A/N Based on PS I Love You
Chapter 1
Drew Turner was standing in the elevator at his new offices and waiting for it to get to the lobby. It was his lunch break and he was heading for the nearest coffee shop. He sighed when the elevator stopped on the 9th floor. The doors opened and he saw a petite blonde goddess standing there buckling one of her expensive looking shoes. She looked up, a little startled, and got on the elevator with a slight smile at him.
When she turned around, Drew noticed a couple of pieces of confetti in her hair. “Oh, um….” She turned around and looked at him expectantly. “I’m sorry. You’ve got confetti in your hair.”
Her face turned bright red. “I knew I didn’t get it all.” She started to pick through her long hair. “I told them not to make a fuss today. It’s just another day.”
“Here.” Drew reached out and gently picked the confetti pieces out of her hair.
“Thanks.”
One of the pieces said Happy Birthday! on it. “Looks like it’s not just another day. Yours?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Why unfortunately?”
“I’ve never had much luck with birthdays. They’ve always turned out badly.”
“Badly?”
“You know, gloom and doom and heartache.”
“They can’t all be bad.”
“Oh, they can. I promise you they can.”
“Well, I’d like to change that.”
“How?”
“Have lunch with me today.”
“Oh, I…. I already ate.”
“Coffee then.”
“I….”
“Married?”
“No.”
“Engaged?”
“No.”
“Dating then.”
“God no!”
Drew smiled. “Then have coffee with me…. Just as friends. I’d like to have the chance to celebrate your birthday.”
Buffy looked up at the handsome stranger. “Ok.” She smiled. “Coffee it is, then.”
*********************
Buffy Summers Turner lay on her stomach on her bed and cried into her pillow. She was almost 30 years old now. One year after the battle with the First and the creation of hundreds of Slayers all over the world, she had finally retired. She had moved to New York City so she could be near Dawn, who was going to NYU there. She’d found a job as an assistant to a fashion editor and had found the job tedious, but completely worth it once she started getting free designer everything. On her 24th birthday, she’d met Drew Turner, a sports journalist whose magazine had moved into the same building as her magazine. He had done everything he could to get her to go on a real date with him for a year. Buffy had wanted to stay friends, but she had slowly discovered that Drew was special and she didn’t want to be without him.
The only other person she’d ever dreamed of a life with hadn’t contacted her in years. The last time she’d talked to him had been a week after his battle with the Senior Partners. He and Illyria had been the only ones to make it out. She didn’t know where they were now. She had also decided it didn’t matter. Angel had signed away his Shanshu. There was no hope for them.
The day Buffy had realized that was the day she had said yes to a date with Drew. They had gone out on her 25th birthday with him swearing he would break the curse of “bad-Buffy-birthdays” and they had been pretty much inseparable since. On her 26th birthday, he’d proposed to her. Buffy’s life had finally become normal and she was happy. She and Drew had planned everything out. They loved making plans together.
Their wedding had been on Buffy’s 27th birthday. It had been Drew’s idea because he’d said everything good had happened to them on her birthday. On their honeymoon in Italy, they’d made love, went sightseeing, and planned on having as many kids as they could in a large house on Staten Island. There was going to be “a dog and some fish and possibly a bird.” He had always made her laugh even when she didn’t want to.
Buffy let out a sob at that last thought and buried her head further into her pillow. She’d lost someone she’d loved before. She’d killed him herself. But losing Drew was a new kind of hurt. He’d been the first person she’d fully opened up to since Riley had left her. The first real, human man she’d ever truly loved. He had even taken her “big secret” in stride. He’d loved her fully…. All of her…. She’d never felt more loved in her entire life.
Buffy sat up, curled her knees up to her chest, and looked around her room. She’d retreated here to get away from everyone and be surrounded with memories of Drew. They’d been in the process of moving to that big house on Staten Island for a few months and their boxes were all around her. Buffy got up and walked over to the dresser. The mirror standing over it showed her a pale, drawn, red-eyed, blonde woman who’d seen more than her years should’ve allowed. And hanging over that mirror was a T-shirt of Drew’s he’d tossed there before he’d gotten too weak to walk.
Buffy reached out and gripped it, pulling it off the mirror. She slipped it on over her strapless, black satin, sheath dress and pulled the collar up over her nose. Going out onto her balcony, she curled up on one of her comfy patio chairs that sat next to the balcony wall and breathed in the scent of the man she’d been in love with.
***************
Downstiars, Willow was doing her best to keep things organized around the food table. Dawn was talking with Xander and Giles, but she kept her eyes on the stairs in case Buffy should reemerge. Drew’s mother, Gillian Turner, was in the kitchen doing the dishes. Dawn had tried to convince her that she didn’t need to do that, but Gillian had said it was better for her if she had something to do.
***************
Outside, Angel stood in the alley across from Buffy’s apartment watching the mourners go to and fro and tried to ignore the familiar pull on his heart. Dawn had sent him a couple of letters letting him know how her sister was doing. Angel had known about Drew. It broke his heart to learn another man made her happy, but it had been why he’d left her.
Then a week ago, he’d received a letter from the man who had managed to get Buffy down the aisle.
Angel,
I know we’ve never met, but I’ve been told a lot about you. My name is Andrew Turner. Drew for short. I’m married to Buffy Summers Turner. (And yes, I do know everything about her.) This is a little difficult for me, more so for Buffy, but….
I’m not going to see another month. About 7 months ago I was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. It’s been interesting trying to get everything in order to prepare for…. The end. One of the things I’ve done is to arrange some…. surprises for Buffy to make losing me easier on her and to help her move on with her life. I don’t want her to be miserable forever.
I know I don’t have any right to ask this of you, but I’m asking for Buffy’s sake.
Enclosed with your letter is a small package I’ve put together for Buffy that I’m asking you to deliver to her on her 30th birthday. I would’ve just mailed it to her or given it to one of her friends to deliver, but honestly I believe that she’s going to need you.
I bet you’re wondering what made me think that. Well, you were her first love and those don’t go away no matter what. When she talks about you, it’s always with more love than should be humanly possible. That’s the love she’ll need. And that’s the love you can provide her.
So please, I’m pleading with you to deliver this package to my wife on her 30th birthday. I’ll be eternally grateful.
HA! Eternally grateful! Get it?
Sincerely,
Drew Turner
Angel sighed and looked up at Buffy’s balcony. He could hear her sobbing all the way down on the street. He desperately wanted to go to her, but he was afraid of what her reaction would be. It’d been years since she’d seen or heard from him. But Drew had needed Angel to face his fears for the woman they both loved with all their hearts. So, here he was standing in an alley in New York City watching Buffy from afar like he’d done so many times before in the past.
He looked up again as a tall, dark headed woman walked out onto the balcony and sat next to Buffy. Angel didn’t recognize her from his vantage point.
***************
Buffy looked up at Faith as she walked out onto the balcony. “Hey.” The darker Slayer said. She’d really grown up over the years since Sunnydale. She also looked different. She’d cut her hair short, to just at her jawline, and she kept it slightly wavy. Her clothes were more conservative, but they were still sexy. Faith had also met her match in Robin Wood. They’d been together since Sunnydale, but neither of them wanted to get married. They lived together and Faith said that was just like being married and it was enough for them. “Thought maybe you’d like a friend.”
“Oh, hey Faith.” Buffy tried to act brave for her fellow Slayer, but she quickly crumpled and started sobbing again. “I miss him so much.”
Faith hugged Buffy tightly. “Shh…. What are you doing up here by yourself? You’ve got all those people down there.”
“I’m not… a big fan…. of crowds.” Buffy buried her face in Faith’s shoulder as she sobbed her way through the sentence. The two had gotten over their issues over the years and were now the closest of friends.
“Yeah, me either.” Faith sat down on the opposite chair and held her friend until she had calmed down.
Buffy swiped harshly at the tears. “Oh, I’m sorry, Faith. You came all this way.”
“No, B. It’s cool. You lost the man you love. It takes a heartless bitch not to emotionally break down. You’re just…. proving that you’re not a heartless bitch.” That got Buffy to smile slightly. “Hey, you’re gonna be ok. You’ll pull through this. I promise.”
“How long are you in town?”
“A couple days. Not long.”
“It’s good that you came.” Buffy wiped at her tears again. “I’ve missed you.”
“Same here.”
“Drew asked about you the day before he….” She couldn’t bring herself to say it. “He said it would’ve been good to see you again.”
“He was a cool guy.”
“Yeah.” Buffy sat up a little straighter and took a deep breath. “I’ve got so much to do. I’ve got to settle things with his lawyer and go over the will. You know, settle all of his affiars. I need to write thank you cards to everyone for helping out and coming to the….” She had to take another breath. “The funeral. Which all seems silly since we had time to…. To prepare.”
“You don’t have to do all of that now.”
“It’s got to get done sometime.” Buffy looked down at her wedding rings. The engagement ring was a one caret, princess cut, flawless diamond set into a band of white gold with three little pink diamonds in a triangle on either side of the diamond. The diamond had been in his grandmother’s heirloom ring. The wedding ring had small pink and white diamonds set in white gold all the way around the band.
Faith knew once the blonde set her mind to whatever task she’d set for herself, gods help the one who got in her way. At least Buffy would be preoccupied with everything and not thinking too much about how awful she actually felt. Faith found herself hoping that someone would come into Buffy’s life to help her move on.
Buffy looked back in at her apartment. “This place is going to be too big without him.”
“Then move.” Faith said simply. She hadn’t lost her bluntness.
“What?” Buffy shook her head. “No. It’s too hard to find a place in New York City.”
“So? You’ll find something.”
“No. I…. I like it here. I was just saying….” Buffy shrugged and stood up. “I need to go say goodbye. People are starting to leave.”
Faith looked over the balcony and saw mourners leaving slowly. “Yeah.” She followed Buffy down the stairs.
******************
Angel stood on the other side of Buffy’s door and listened to any signs of life inside. He’d waited until he saw Willow and Xander leave before he made his way up to the apartment figuring that if those two were gone, Buffy was alone. Hopefully she wasn’t sleeping. He heard dishes clattering in a room inside, but he couldn’t tell if it was just Buffy. Taking the chance, he knocked on the door.
A beautiful tall, thin, grey haired woman opened the door. “Yes?”
“I’m looking for Buffy.” Angel said uncertainly. “I thought this was her apartment….”
“It is. Hold on one second.” The woman turned, closing the door slightly, and walked towards another room to the right. “Buffy, there’s a man at the door for you.”
“Who is it?” Buffy asked wearily.
“I don’t know. I’ll finish putting those dishes up and then I’ll leave.”
“Ok, Gillian.” Buffy walked over to the door and opened it. She let out a startled gasp.
“Hey.” Angel said quietly.
“Angel.” She still said his name in that breathy, praying way only she could do. “What…. Are you doing here?”
“I…. Uh…. I was in New York.”
“Oh.”
“You look…. nice.”
Buffy looked down at her dress that was partly covered by Drew’s shirt. “Oh, uh…. Thank you. God, this is awkward.”
“Why?”
“I….”
Gillian came back out. “Sweetie, aren’t you going to invite your guest in?”
“Oh, uh…. Come on in, Angel. Sorry. I’m not exactly myself right now.” Angel walked in and Buffy shut the door. “Gillian, this is Angel. Angel, this is my mother in law Gillian.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” Angel shook Gillian’s hand.
“How do you know Buffy?” Gillian asked.
“I knew her a long time ago.”
“Long, long time ago.” Buffy said.
“Well, I’ll let you two catch up, then. Buffy, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call me. I know you like being independent, but I am here for you.” Gillian hugged Buffy tightly.
“Thank you. I will.” Buffy held the door for Gillian.
“It was nice meeting you.” Gillian said to Angel before leaving.
Buffy turned to Angel as she shut the door. “So….”
“This place is nice.” Angel said. “Pretty big.”
“Yeah.” Buffy’s face started to crumple and tears sprang to her eyes.
“Oh…. Hey….” He started to go to her out of instinct, but stopped short.
“I’m sorry.” She wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks. “It’s completely random. I don’t really have control over it.” She looked up at him and Angel could see the broken woman she was. “My…. Husband…. He died. This was the thing after his…. His….” Buffy started to sob and she went into the kitchen.
Angel hesitantly followed her. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” She sat down in a chair and cried into her hands. He couldn’t take just standing there, so Angel walked over and touched Buffy’s shaking shoulder. He squatted down next to her and Buffy allowed herself to be folded into his arms. After a long few moments, she quieted down and sat up straight. “Oh, I got you all wet.” She swiped at the wet spot on Angel’s jacket.
“It’s ok.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just a really bad time for me.”
“It’s understandable.”
“So, um….” Buffy composed herself enough to try to carry a conversation. “What’re you…. What’re you doing in New York?”
“A friend…. Asked me to come.”
Buffy nodded her head slightly and went to start cleaning the already clean counter tops. “Uh…. How have you been?”
“I’ve been…. Ok.”
“Hesitation.”
“What?”
Buffy let out a quick puff of breath that was almost a laugh. “I’m sorry. Drew used to say that. He always knew when something was wrong and he’d call my bluff. He’d say ‘hesitation.’”
“Oh.”
“So…. Just ok?”
“It’s been lonely. Illyria…. I don’t know where she is. I’ve been living in Chicago and then I moved back to Europe…. Fighting whatever needed to be fought.”
“What made you want to go to Europe?”
Angel shrugged. “I don’t know. A sudden desire to get back to my roots? The whim of a 254 year old vampire? Take your pick. How about you?”
“What about me?”
“How have you been?” Buffy’s breath hitched as she tried to sigh. “Oh…. Forget it. Please don’t cry. I don’t want to make you cry.”
“No. It’s ok. I had to endure all week of telling and hearing all these stories and memories of Drew.” She finally turned to look at Angel. “To tell you the truth, it’s the only thing keeping me sane through all of this…. Remembering who he was and how much he loved me. How’ve I been? I’ve been great…. Amazing…. Wonderful….” Buffy smiled slightly. “Loved.” Angel had to smile. “Drew was…. He was Drew. He fought so hard for me and he never…. never stopped fighting for me.” Buffy wiped at the tears gently falling down her smiling face and stayed silent for a long while. Finally she said, “Um…. So, where are you staying?”
“I don’t know. I got here this afternoon and…. Well, I waited in the alley across the street. I was going to come up, but there were a lot of people and….”
“There’s a guest bedroom.” Angel looked surprised she would even offer. “If you want, I mean.”
“I’ve had worse.”
Buffy nodded at the words spoken so long ago about her floor in Sunnydale. “Yeah. I’ll, uh…. I’ll show you where it’s at.”
Chapter 2
Buffy and Drew stood in the empty apartment and looked around. “This is a lot of space to fill.” Buffy said.
“We can do it.” Drew said.
“There’s three bedrooms.”
“We’ll figure something out.” He laughed. “Besides, with all the clothes you own, I’m sure one room will end up your closet.”
“Don’t joke. Can we even afford this?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Baby, quit worrying.”
“I worry. It’s what I do. You’re always so optimistic! And why did you tell your mother I didn’t want kids?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“You did so.”
“I’m confused here. All I said was that you wanted to wait.”
“Which is telling her I didn’t want kids now and you do!”
“Yes, now. I didn’t say anything about later. We just got married. I’m not pushing. Baby, what’s wrong?”
Buffy sighed. “Why are we even looking at this apartment? What’s wrong with ours?”
“It’s too small.”
“Ah ha! You want kids!”
Drew sighed. “Yes. Eventually. But not….”
“Not yet. Damn it, Drew….”
“Buffy….” He gently took her shoulders. “We’re going to be ok. I know you’re worried about this, but we’re going to be ok. I’m not the other men in your life. I’m Drew Turner and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Drew hugged her tightly, kissed her hair.
**************
Buffy laid in her bed and stared at the ceiling. She’d had to take a sleeping pill to force herself to sleep again. It was now eleven in the morning. After laying there for a few more minutes, she finally stood up and headed up to the bathroom to take a shower. The door was shut and the shower was running. She completely forgot the past few months in her drugged, half awake haze and opened the door. “Drew?” Buffy pulled back the curtain and let out a yelp at Angel’s naked form. “I’m sorry! Sorry.” She practically fell out of the door. “Sorry!”
Angel shut the shower off and quickly wrapped a towel around his waist. “Are you ok?”
“I’m so sorry. I uh…. I thought you were….” Buffy sighed, looking at the wall to the right of Angel’s half naked, wet, chiseled body. “I took sleeping pills.” She finished pitifully.
“Those are some strong pills.”
“My doctor prescribed them. I haven’t been sleeping well since…. Since we got the news that it was…. Terminal and the chemo wasn’t working anymore.”
“I understand.”
“They’re pretty powerful.”
“I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
“No. No. I woke up all on my own.”
Angel finally noticed that Buffy had slept in her dress and Drew’s shirt. “They must’ve kicked in quick.”
“What?” She looked down at herself. “Oh, uh…. Yeah. I mean…. I didn’t feel like changing. I just wanted to lay down and…. Forget.”
Angel decided to change the subject. “What have you got planned for today?”
Buffy shrugged. “I, uh…. I don’t know. I’ve got to make sure…. People know that he…. That he, uh….”
“It’s ok. You don’t have to say it.”
“Thanks. And I need to go get our stuff from the house since…. Since I had to give it up.”
“Do you need some help?”
“It’s daylight.”
Angel nodded, forgetting that she didn’t know. “I’ll help this evening, then. I mean, if you’re not moving, you should unpack.”
“Ok.” Buffy nodded. She turned and headed back into her bedroom, forgetting she wanted to take a shower.
Angel sighed and looked down at the floor he was soaking. About two years ago, he’d fought a Mohra demon. Just before he killed it, Angel had selfishly allowed the demon’s blood to mix with his. At the time, he’d had every intention of going to win Buffy back to him. He’d been tired of fighting and tired of being lonely. After eating all the Chicago deep dish pizza his stomach could handle, he’d gone home to start packing for New York. But when he’d gotten the mail, a letter from Dawn had told him that Buffy had gotten married. Instead of heading to New York, Angel had gone out and gotten drunk, hoping to drown his sorrows.
He wanted to tell Buffy, but he thought that if he told her now, it would only serve to confuse or hurt her more than she already was. Angel sighed again and headed back into his designated bedroom. He got dressed and looked in the mirror. He was still pale and black was still his favorite color. His hair was a little longer, but still spiked like he’d always kept it. He’d worked on keeping his muscles toned, so he still had the same physique he’d always had. It also amazed him that Buffy hadn’t noticed he had a reflection by now.
There was a knock on the door. “Angel?” Buffy called quietly.
Angel jumped away from the mirror and opened the door. “Hey.” She’d changed into a pair of dark blue jeans and a long, pink striped T-shirt with Marilyn Monroe’s face in dark pink on it.
“Faith is on her way over. She’s going to help get everything and bring it back here.”
“Ok.”
“I let her know I wouldn’t be here. Can you just let her in when she gets here?”
“Of course.”
“I’ll be back in a while.”
“Where are you going?”
“Uh, I need to get a truck to bring back what we took over to the house.”
“Ok.” Angel watched Buffy walk sadly down the hallway and down the stairs
**************
“Yo, B!” Faith called into the seemingly empty apartment.
“Faith?” Angel asked, coming out of the kitchen.
“Angel!?” Faith squealed and jumped into his arms in a huge bear hug.
“You look amazing. You look so grown up! I love your hair! How’ve you been?”
“Great! Angel, you look so….” Faith’s face crunched up in confusion as she scrutinized him. “Alive.” Her face lit up. “Are you….”
“Please don’t tell Buffy.”
“You’re….” Angel nodded. “Are you serious? When? How?”
“About three years ago. And it was a Mohra demon. Their blood has regenerative properties.”
“Why can’t B know?”
“It would only confuse her. For the longest time, she wished I could be human so she could be with me. And now…. She just lost her husband. I don’t want to impose anything on her.”
“She’s going to be so pissed when she finds out.”
“Probably.”
“So what are you doing here…. In B’s apartment?”
Angel shrugged. “I got a letter from…. A friend. I came up after everyone left last night and after she cried for a while and told me about Drew, she asked where I was staying and then gave me the spare bedroom. So, how’ve you been?”
“Busy. I’m a counselor at this troubled teen center in Boston.”
“Wow. Are you married? Seeing someone? Still playing the field?”
“Seeing someone. Permanently. We live together. He’s Buffy’s old boss.”
“The principal from Sunnydale?”
“Yep.”
“Wow. Any wedding bells planned?”
“Nope. Come on, Angel. You know me better than that.”
“Yeah, I never did picture you being for the girly white dress and all those flowers.”
Faith smiled. “So, are you going to help unpack, or are you leaving the heavy lifting to the girl again?”
“I think I’ll help.”
**************
“So, he was a good guy then?” Angel asked, putting another empty box in the growing pile. He’d been pumping Faith for information on Drew and Buffy’s relationship for the past two hours.
“The greatest.” Faith said, putting more of Buffy’s clothes back into the dresser inside the walk-in closet. “He treated B like a princess 24/7. They really loved each other.”
“What exactly happened?”
Faith put down the shirt she was folding and sighed. “Drew had been complaining of some pretty knarly headaches and finally, Buffy made him go to the doctor. They did all these tests and then finally they did a CAT scan. They found a shadow that was…. Well, it wasn’t operable. It was too far inside his brain to get to and it had spread pretty fast. They did chemo and radiation and everything. Tried all these new drugs. Nothing helped. She was by his side every minute of it.” Faith sighed as she picked up a prescription bottle on the nightstand. “Poor B. She’s having to take pills to get her through the day and sleep at night.”
“She takes pills?”
Faith nodded sadly. “Dawn says she can’t sleep at night since Drew’s not there. She’s just not comfortable. And during the day, she’s so upset she starts shaking and she can’t function.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”
“No! Angel, I honestly think you coming could only do her good. Especially with your new human self.”
“I couldn’t ask her to….”
“Then don’t. Just, you know, be there for her and make sure she feels loved. Eventually, she’ll come around.”
“Hey, who’s here?” Buffy called as she walked in the door.
“Just me and the big guy.” Faith said. “Did you get everything settled?”
“Yeah. The truck…. It’s outside.” Buffy took a deep breath. “I guess we should go get everything cleaned up and moved out of the house by the end of this week. The landlord called. He wants to show the house so he can re-sell it.”
“Insensitive prick.” Buffy smiled slightly. “Well, listen, I’ll take the truck and head over to the house. I’ll get Robin to help. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off for yourself? Maybe Angel can make you something. He used to make some killer scrambled eggs.”
“I don’t know, Faith. There’s so much to do….”
“And it can all be done later.” Faith took Buffy’s hands and squeezed tightly. “B, you just lost him. Give yourself some time to heal. You’re always on the go. Let us take care of you, ok?” Buffy nodded and Faith hugged her tightly. “You go on upstairs and put on some PJs. That always makes you feel better.”
Angel turned to Faith after Buffy was up the stairs. “What else does she like that makes her feel better?”
“Chocolate and peanut butter…. Preferably crunchy…. While sitting in her PJs and watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Faith headed out the door.
*****************
Angel was sitting on the couch with a blank TV screen in front of him when he woke up. He’d dozed off while watching some movie with Buffy. She had been sitting curled up on the other side of the couch pretending to pay attention to the movie. Now she was no where in sight.
Angel took a deep breath and rubbed his face. “Buffy?” He stood up and looked around the apartment. If he’d still been a vampire, he would’ve smelled where she’d gone. With a sigh, he started to search the downstairs. Everything was quiet and dark.
Angel went up the stairs and looked at Buffy’s bedroom door. It was cracked just a little and a small amount of light spilled from the room. He could see Buffy sitting on the bed, but he could only see her head. She was awake.
Angel pushed the door open gently. To his surprise, she wasn’t wearing the same PJs she’d been wearing for almost three weeks now. She was wearing her wedding dress and had the veil clutched to her chest. It was really a shock seeing her in something other than her Mrs. Haversham PJs, as Dawn had come to call them. Now she really was Mrs. Haversham, wedding dress and all. Once everything had been brought back to the apartment from the house, Buffy hadn’t even left the apartment.
Angel had been with her, waiting for her 30th birthday. He’d come to New York weeks earlier than he should have because he hadn’t been able to wait any longer. He’d wanted Buffy to know about his humanity. But to his surprise, and everyone else’s, Buffy hadn’t realized that Angel was human yet.
It wasn’t really Buffy’s fault, though. She was too lost in her grief to really notice much of anything. She spent her time watching old movies that had been her and Drew’s favorites and eventually she would fall asleep on the couch so Angel would just carry her up to bed. And every day that went by that Angel didn’t tell her, the guiltier he started to feel about it.
Angel moved into the room a little further. “You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” Buffy stood up and went over to the antique, full length mirror standing in the far corner.
“Here.” Angel walked over and took the veil from Buffy. As she stared in the mirror, Angel gently lifted the veil up and placed it in her hair. He helped her fluff it out into place. The bottom of the veil was lined in red silk that matched the underskirt of the dress. The dress was an off-white silk that had a band of red silk across the top of it and red silk lacing up the back. The red silk underskirt was the bottom of the dress that formed the train. The entire thing was one piece and had a slight belled skirt.
Buffy’s eyes glazed over with tears. “He had this red silk tie and vest that matched the dress.”
“I thought the groom wasn’t supposed to see the bride before the wedding.”
Buffy laughed and it caused the tears to fall. “It was an accident. Willow and I had bought, like, ten pairs of shoes because we couldn’t decide which ones would go with the dress the best. So, I put the dress on and I was on the sixth pair of shoes when Drew walked in with this big bouquet of red roses.”
Angel smiled slightly. “What was the occasion?”
Buffy shook her head. “Drew never needed an occasion to surprise me like that. He just did it because he could.” She laughed. “He freaked out and almost fell down the stairs trying to get away from the dress. We ended up sitting on the floor in the hallway laughing about everything.”
“Why laughing?”
Buffy shrugged. “It was funny because I stopped him from falling in my wedding dress and I said, ‘I’ve never been one for traditions anyway.’” Her eyebrows knitted together. “I guess I should’ve.”
“Should’ve what?”
“Been one for traditions. Maybe him seeing me in this dress was enough bad luck to….”
“No.” Angel said firmly. “Buffy….” He gently gripped her upper arms and turned him to look at her. “Those are just old wives tales. The dress didn’t take him away from you.” He lifted his hands to her face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. “A random, horrible event happened that neither of you could change.”
Buffy gripped his wrists and closed her eyes, leaning against him. She let herself lose herself in the feel of him. It was familiar, but somehow different. Changed in a way she couldn’t quite place. And it was…. “Warm.”
“What?”
“You’re warm!”
“I….”
Buffy placed her hand over his chest and felt his heart beating. “I don’t…. I….”
“Buffy….”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I….”
“It’s been four weeks! You didn’t feel the decency to tell me?”
“Buffy, I….”
“When did it happen? How did it happen?”
Angel was flabbergasted. She’d been so placid and prone to random breakdowns all week that this sudden outburst of anger and life surprised him. “I-I-I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t think it would be right. You…. you just lost your husband.”
“Keeping a secret like this isn’t going to make me feel better!”
“Feel better?”
“Yes!”
“How would it have made you feel better? What would you have done?”
“What?”
“When I told you, what would you have done? Throw me down and take me for a spin?”
“No! But you should’ve told me! I think I have a right to know.”
“Why? We haven’t seen each other or talked to each other in years!”
“I waited for you.”
“What?”
“When you called me because you were devastated at the loss of your friends…. The way you talked…. I thought you were asking me to wait for you. And that’s exactly what I did. For years.” She looked down at her shoes guiltily. “Even when I was with Drew, I waited and you…. You never came.”
“I’m sorry you got that impression….”
“There was a time when we didn’t even need to speak to have conversations…. And when we did, even when we said one thing, we both just knew that we meant another. What happened to that?”
“We got older. We grew apart.”
“I feel so…. Guilty.”
“Guilty? Why?”
“Because I loved Drew. I did. With all my heart, I loved him. But….”
“But….?” Angel prompted.
“I want….” She couldn’t finish. The guilt welled up and caused a lump in her throat that she couldn’t get rid of. Finally, Buffy pushed Angel out the door and slammed it.
Angel had no clue what to do. Had Buffy just almost admitted that she still wanted him even when she was grieving the loss of her husband? Had that been Drew’s plan? Oddly enough, Angel was speechless. He’d never experienced anything like this in his 250 plus years.
*******************
Buffy lay in her bed and cried into her pillow. For the first time in a month, she wasn’t crying because Drew wasn’t with her. She was crying because she wanted Angel and the temptation of him being human had been too much for her. All those years and she hadn’t lost her feelings for him. Even through falling in love and getting married, she had still felt so much love for Angel. And that made her feel so guilty. She felt like she was betraying Drew.
Angel knocked softly on her door and opened it slightly. “Hey….” Buffy didn’t answer him. She just buried her face further into her pillows. “Listen….” He sat down on the bed beside her. “I, uh…. I was going to tell you. Actually, I was going to tell you two years ago. But I got a letter from Dawn saying that you were married and…. happy. She never said anything about still being in love with me.” Buffy managed to turn her head to look up at him. “If I’d have known….” Angel reached out and touched her shoulder.
Suddenly, her mouth was covering his in a passionate and fiery kiss. She pulled him closer until he was on top of her and they were both desperately trying to get each other’s clothes off.
Chapter 3
“OW!” Buffy cried. She’d stubbed her toe on the step up into the bathroom from her and Drew’s bedroom. She forgot it was there every time. Especially when it was dark
Drew started laughing. “Baby, you need to leave a light on.”
“I have night vision.” She said, hopping over to the bed and falling down on it.
“Night vision or no, you’re going to break your toe.” He sat up, still laughing, and gently took her foot. “Well, at least it’s not broken this time.”
“It hurts.”
“Listen to you Miss Big Shot Slayer.”
“Shut up.” Buffy crawled under the covers and curled up in her husband’s arms.
“You’re a pain in the ass sometimes, you know it?”
“I try to be.”
“You succeed.” He kissed her, pulling her closer. “But I love you anyway.”
*************
Buffy shot up in bed the next morning with a gasp. “Oh my god!” She looked around and noticed that Angel’s t-shirt was the only thing of his in her room. But she remembered last night. “Oh my god.” Buffy slapped her forehead. “Oh, that was…. What the hell was I thinking?”
“I don’t think you were.” Angel replied, walking into the room with a breakfast tray covered with goodies.
“Angel, I….”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
“But I…. I mean, we….”
“I know what happened.” Angel set the tray down in front of her and handed her his t-shirt. She slipped it on while his eyes were diverted with rearranging the breakfast tray. “And you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because it didn’t stop you from loving Drew, did it?”
“No.”
“And you haven’t forgotten him, have you?”
“No.”
“Then you shouldn’t feel guilty at all.”
“But….”
“Keep up the no-thinking thing. It’s working for you.” He kissed her forehead gently. “So, what do you have planned today, birthday girl?”
“Birthday….?” Buffy shook her head. “Oh….” The tears welled up.
Angel wrapped his arms around her. “Shh…. It’s ok.”
“It’s not just my birthday. It’s…. It’s….”
“Your anniversary. I know.”
“Oh, Angel….” Buffy started to sob.
Angel just held her until she could breathe again. “Listen, we can just ignore today if you want.”
“No. I’ve…. I’ve got to face it. Maybe we can…. Go out somewhere.”
“Only if you want to.”
Tears started falling again. “I don’t want to, Angel. I don’t want to go on.” She held on tightly to him. “I want him back.”
Angel stroked her hair gently. “Shh…. I, uh….”
“Please don’t say it. I hate those words now. They bring nothing but pain and suffering.”
“Actually, I was going to say that I have something for you.” Angel got up and went into his room. He returned holding a small box in one hand and the letter Drew had written him in the other. The box was wrapped in bright pink wrapping paper with a light pink ribbon and bow wrapped on it and there was a light pink tag taped under the bow.
“Angel….”
“It’s not from me.”
Buffy’s brows drew together in confusion. “Who’s it from?” Angel handed Buffy the box. On the tag was written “Open Me!” in Drew’s handwriting. Buffy looked back up at Angel with dark eyes. “What is this?”
“Open it.”
Buffy opened the package, carefully removing the wrapping. Inside the box was a tape recorder and another tag with “Play Me!” written on it in Drew’s handwriting. Buffy hesitantly pushed the play button.
“Hey Baby!” Drew’s voice said cheerily. Fresh tears sprang to Buffy’s eyes at the sound of his voice saying something other than his cell phone’s answering machine message. “So check you out! You’re 30! Not as bad as you thought it would be, huh? All that complaining you did? It was for nothing. I told you it wouldn’t be.” He laughed for a few seconds before sobering and getting serious. “I bet you’re really confused right now, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Buffy said quietly.
“I know. Of course you are. I would be too. Well, don’t worry, baby. I’ve got a plan for you.”
“A plan?”
“Yes! A plan! Sorry I did it without you. Please don’t be mad, but I can’t plan a surprise for you with you. Silly woman. So, anyway, over the next few months I’ve got a few surprises planned for you. There’ll be letters and presents and you’ll never guess how they’ll be coming to you. And please don’t try cause it’ll only spoil the surprise. Why am I doing this? The truth of it is: I’m just not ready to say goodbye to you yet.” Drew sighed. “Hey, Angel, can you give her that letter I sent you? And baby, can you pause the tape till you’re done reading? It might take you a minute. It’s ok. I’ll wait for you. Take all the time you need.”
Buffy did what Drew asked and looked up expectantly at Angel. “He sent you a letter?” Angel handed her the letter and Buffy read it. She looked back up at him, then at the tape recorder, then read the letter again twice before pushing play on the recorder again.
“Jeez, took you long enough!” Buffy laughed. “Ok, I know it doesn’t make sense as to why I would contact your ex to help you out, but I’ve got my reasons. Now baby, I need you to get out of bed. You can’t mope around forever. And you’re too gorgeous to be that crazy old Mrs. Haversham. Besides, who’s going to take all those designer clothes and shoes off your boss’s hands? She relies on you for that! So take off whatever you’re wearing…. Angel, get the hell out of the room…. And put on something smashing. Go shopping because I know you ‘don’t have anything to wear’.” He mocked her voice for that little bit. “Call your friends. You should be out getting wasted tonight. It’s your birthday!” Buffy laughed through her tears. “Well, quit crying and get your ass out of that bed.” He chuckled slightly. “And by the way, Buffy, I love you.” The tape cut off there.
Angel watched Buffy’s tears dry up and a tenderness fill her eyes at the sound of her dead husband’s voice telling her he loved her. It hurt just a little to see how much she’d loved someone else. Mostly it just hurt to see her in pain, though. Finally Buffy took a deep breath and got out of bed. She stretched out the kinks and looked at Angel. “What?” He asked.
“Drew was right! I don’t have anything to wear.”
Angel lifted an eyebrow. Buffy had a whole walk-in closet of clothes and shoes that he and Faith had put back together with Buffy’s directions once everything had been brought back from the Staten Island house. It had taken them four hours. He sighed. Women. “So, do you want to go shopping?”
“I think I need to.”
“Ok. You go shopping.”
“What are you gonna do?”
Angel smiled. “I’m going to plan a party.”
****************
When Buffy returned to her apartment, it was two hours until sundown. She’d stopped by work to tell everyone thank you for their cards and their flowers and to talk to her boss, Edie, about coming back. Edie had been more than adamant that Buffy take as much time as she needed. Rachel, Edie’s part-time assistant who’d been temporarily promoted to full time until Buffy came back, had told Buffy that Edie had held onto a closet’s worth of clothes, shoes, and accessories just for Buffy. So, instead of shopping, Buffy had spent the whole afternoon trying on clothes and shoes and matching them with every piece of jewelry she could. She was going to have to get rid of some of her clothes to make room for all the new ones. Maybe she’d even turn one of the guestrooms into a closet. She’d have to talk to Xander about that one.
The apartment was seemingly quiet and a little dark. She flipped on the light in the foyer and jumped when she saw all the people standing there with big smiles on their faces. “Happy Birthday Buffy!” They all yelled. Buffy took a moment to take in everyone’s faces. Willow, Xander, Faith, and Angel were standing in front of the doorway. Dawn stood next to a small table with food on it. Gillian Turner stood next to the coffee table guarding a beautiful pink and white cake. Robin Wood was standing by another small table in the corner of the room that had a punch fountain on it. He was pouring champagne into the fountain.
Faith’s eyes widened at the sight of all the bags in Buffy’s arms. “Damn, B. Did you really need all that?”
“Edie saved it all for me.” Buffy explained as Faith took some of the bags off her hands. “I couldn’t turn it down.”
“Who’s Edie?” Angel asked.
“Her boss.” Xander whispered. “I think she’s a psycho bitch, but Buffy loves her.”
“I heard that Xander.” Buffy said.
“Hearing as good as ever, Buff.” Xander smiled nervously.
“Come on, let’s get this stuff upstairs.” Faith said.
Buffy nodded. “Sure.”
After they got the bags in the closet and Buffy got changed, Faith and Buffy stood in the bathroom talking while Faith played with Buffy’s hair and makeup. “So, when did he have time to plan all of this?” Faith asked. “I mean, you were with him every waking minute.”
“I guess when I was asleep.” Buffy said.
“Any idea why he chose Angel to help you through this? I mean, he didn’t even know the big guy.”
Buffy shrugged. “He said in the letter that I would need the love that only Angel could provide.”
Faith smiled slightly. “Well, I can see why. Without him here, you’d be a complete wreck.” Buffy started to tear up. “Oh, no…. please don’t cry, B.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that…. I am a complete wreck, Faith. I miss him so much. I was sitting in my wedding dress yesterday!”
“Shit.”
“I don’t know where to go without him.”
Faith gently grasped Buffy’s hands. “B,” She picked up the tape recorder that Buffy had taken everywhere with her. “He did this so you could go on with your life without him.” Faith put the recorder back down and grabbed a wad of toilet paper. She dabbed at Buffy’s wet, mascara-lined cheeks and said, “Drew was a master planner. I know you’re going to make it through this. You’re stronger than anyone here.”
Buffy shook her head. “I don’t want to be strong anymore. That was Drew’s job. He was the strong one.”
“You are strong Buffy. I know it’s been a while, but you can stand on your own two feet. And if you feel like you need someone to lean on, then you’ve got plenty of friends who’ll take that weight for you.” Faith hugged Buffy tightly. “Come on. We need to get you cleaned up and get your makeup fixed.”
*******************
Buffy woke up with a pounding headache and the lights were way too bright. After a long moment, she realized that the only light in her bedroom was the very dim light coming in through her thick curtains at the balcony doors. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and groaned. Her hair was so tangled it was almost sticking straight up, her makeup was in ruins, and the brand new, hot pink, Betsy Johnson dress she’d been wearing the night before was wrinkled beyond saving.
Buffy desperately tried to remember what happened the night before, but the only thing she could come up with was talking to Faith in the bathroom and then nothing. She groaned again. “Oh. My. God.” She winced at how loud her voice sounded.
Huh. She’d thought she’d whispered that.
Downstairs, someone banged way too loudly on the door. She groaned and hid under the covers. The banging got louder. Buffy buried her head under the pillows and pulled the covers above them. It didn’t help. The banging got louder and there was someone calling out her full name. Buffy growled and pushed out of bed. She made her way to the door and yanked it open. There was a young man standing there holding a big bouquet of balloons and dressed in a giant ladybug costume with black hearts instead of round spots.
“Whoa! You look totally haggard!” The man said.
“At least I’m not dressed as a ladybug.” Buffy retorted. “What the hell do you want?”
“Are you Buffy Summers?”
Buffy stared at him suspiciously. “If I am, will you sing at me?”
“Yes.”
“Then no. I’m not.”
“Come on! If I don’t sing, I’ll get reported.”
“Reported? To who? The Queen Bee?”
“I’ve gotta deliver this letter with the balloons and sing.”
“Letter?” Buffy suddenly felt a whole lot better.
“I gotta sing, now.”
“Give me the damn letter.” Buffy snatched it out of the guy’s hands.
“Hey! Give that back.”
“No.”
The man sighed. “You want the balloons?”
“No.”
“Fine!” He started to sing My Girl, but Buffy slammed the door in his face.
She held the letter out a little ways from her and stared at it. Drew’s handwriting spelled out her name on the envelope in purple ink. She laughed as she remembered getting on to him for stealing and then hiding her favorite purple pen. She’d had a hard day at work and she hadn’t been entirely done and Drew had tried to cheer her up by playing with her. She hadn’t had any of it. She’d been a real grouch that day.
Angel walked down the stairs looking a little less gaunt than Buffy. “What’s going on?”
Buffy turned the letter over and opened it gently. She delicately pulled out the stationary paper and unfolded it. It took Buffy ten minutes to read it because she kept reading and rereading it.
Hey Baby,
Did you have to be so mean to the delivery guy? He was just doing his job. (I’m laughing so hard right now because I know you and I know your friends. You got smashed last night, didn’t you?) Ha! Sorry. I couldn’t resist. I wanted to make you smile just a little bit to bring you away from the hellion you are when you have a hangover. Did it at least work a tiny, tiny little bit?
“No.” Buffy said to the letter with a small smile.
“What?” Angel asked from his place at the coffee pot. Buffy shook her head and continued reading.
My next letter isn’t coming until exactly 1 month from today. I figured that’d be sufficient enough time for you to get rid of my things. You don’t need them, baby. They’re taking up space and I’m pretty sure Edie’s loaded you down with the works by now. You know, lots of new clothes and shoes and jewelry that only celebrities can afford. Am I right? You’ll need all the space you can get. Hell, you should probably ask Xander to turn the second guest bedroom into a nice big closet for you.
“I said that.” Buffy said to the letter.
Get up off your keister and get to work. You’ve got one month.
This letter will self destruct in 5 seconds. HA! I’ve always wanted to say that. I can mark it off my list now.
And by the way…. I love you.
Buffy read it again while Angel put a mug filled to the brim with coffee in front of her. “What’s it say?” Angel asked.
“He uh…. He wants me to get rid of his things.” Buffy said sadly. She looked up at Angel as he took the letter from her and read over it. “I don’t know if I can.”
Angel smiled sympathetically. “That’s why he gave you a month to do it.”
“His smell will be gone.”
“It’ll fade eventually, Buffy. You can’t stop that from happening.”
“Why not? Why can’t the world just stop until I’m ready to really face it?”
“Because the world is a stupid place. If I could stop it for you, I would.”
Buffy smiled slightly and then winced. “I need aspirin.” Angel had already pulled out a big bottle and handed it to her already open. “Why aren’t you more haggard?”
“I didn’t drink nearly as much as you did.”
“I don’t even remember last night. Was I bad?”
Angel smirked. “I’ll never tell.”
Chapter 4
“Would you please let me take this shirt?” Buffy asked for the fourth time.
“It’s my favorite shirt!” Drew said for the fourth time.
“I know. That’s why I want to take it with me.”
“You’re only going to be gone for a week.”
“I know, but this is important to me.”
“Baby, you’re not going to forget what I smell like in one week.”
“You never know.”
“You’re like a bloodhound. You can remember a scent for as long as you want.”
“Drew!”
“It’s my favorite shirt. No.”
“You only wear it on weekends.”
“I do not.”
“You do too. I haven’t seen you wear this on a weekday since I’ve met you.”
“You’re not taking my favorite shirt.”
“You’ve got all my stuff here to remember me by. Why can’t I have this one thing?”
“Why can’t you take another one of my shirts?”
“Because they’re not your favorite.” Buffy pouted and the look was successful.
Drew melted. “Fine.” He hugged her tightly. “You’re such a pain in the ass, but….”
“You still love me.” Buffy kissed his chest. “I love you too.”
***************
Buffy sat among Drew’s things scattered around the living room and looked at everything. His clothes were folded neatly in boxes labeled with where they would go in black permanent marker. Buffy had called Gillian and asked her what she would like to keep. She’d taken only a few things. Sports trophies and medals he’d won when he was a kid, a small photo album with family pictures and pictures of Buffy and Drew, some clothes, and a necklace he’d bought her for Christmas, but hadn’t been able to give it to her because he couldn’t remember where he’d put it.
It had taken her the whole four weeks to get everything of his unpacked, sorted, and re-packed. Angel had helped her where she would let him. When he had helped her, everything they’d pulled out and sorted had had a story with it. They’d only been together six years, but it was plenty of time to make almost a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Angel had found a little baby blue onezie buried in a small shoe box with a pair of baby’s sneakers. Buffy had explained that just before they’d discovered Drew was sick, they’d been planning on having a baby. Drew had come home with the small box and explained that he was just getting ready for when that first baby arrived. A week later he was in the hospital with the migraine that helped the doctors discover the tumor.
“Hey, I got the truck.” Angel said, walking in the front door. “Are you ready?”
“Yes and no.” Buffy said, standing up. Angel had gone out and gotten a small rental truck to take the boxes to Goodwill.
“We don’t have to do this just yet.”
“No. It’s ok. I’ve got everything I wanted to keep.” She’d held onto a couple of shirts, his high school and his college letterman’s jackets, and his “lucky” sweat pants. She had tons of photos stashed away that she never planned on getting rid of. “We should get this stuff down there before they close.”
She’d spent all day trying to say goodbye. With every piece of clothing and every pair of shoes and everything else that she was giving up that she touched, she felt like she was loosing small pieces of Drew. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but this was what he’d wanted. Along with the letter, he’d written a list of certain things he owned and what he wanted Buffy to do with them.
His will had been all about money. Buffy had gotten almost all of it and he’d left his mother a very large sum. Other than that, Drew didn’t have a lot of family. He had some distant cousins that he never talked to, but that was it. His father had died when he was 13, he didn’t have any siblings, his parents were both only children, and his grandparents had passed away a few years back. In the list, he’d left most of the things to his best friend, Caleb Montgomery, and a few things to Xander.
Buffy had called Caleb to let him know that Drew had left him some things. Caleb lived in a town in Kentucky called Paducah. He was the events coordinator for the Executive Inn, a huge resort and conference center with two stages where big name stars played, so he was pretty busy. It took three tries to actually get a hold of him. He’d said that he had a free weekend coming up at the end of the month and that he would head to Nashville and hop on the next flight to New York.
Buffy liked Caleb. He and Drew had met at NYU playing football together. Drew had been the quarterback and Caleb had been the wide receiver. Three years into college, Caleb had admitted to Drew that he was gay, but he didn’t want anyone else to know. Caleb had been worried that he would loose Drew, but Drew had proven his friendship by staying by Caleb’s side and being there for him when he had finally come out to his family and friends. Not only had Caleb lost a lot of people he’d loved and cared about, but Drew had as well for sticking by his best friend. Drew had said he was glad that they’d deserted them because it showed who their true friends were and then he’d made Caleb laugh by going around to all the friends’ houses who’d ditched them and leaving flaming bags of dog poop on their front doorsteps.
Angel laughed. “Was he here for the funeral?”
“Yeah. He couldn’t stay for the gathering, though. Some country diva arrived early and his boss was threatening to kill her, so Cal had to get back and diffuse the situation. He was here for the last three weeks of Drew’s life and for that week planning the funeral. If I hadn’t had Cal there, I don’t think I would’ve made it through those few weeks.” Buffy paused. “I wonder if Cal helped Drew plan everything!”
“You’d have to ask him.” Angel smiled. “So, your next letter’s coming in tomorrow.”
Buffy’s eyes lit up. “I know! I can’t wait!”
****************
Buffy paced the apartment all day and kept an eye on the clock. The mail came at 1:30pm on the dot every day. It was 1:25 now. Angel watched her pace with an amused smile on his face. They’d gotten everything down to the Goodwill just before they’d closed. Buffy had cried the whole way back to the apartment. The clock’s minute hand went to 1:29 and Buffy turned and bolted out the door.
Angel got up and followed her down. He found her standing by the opened mailboxes glaring at the mailman as he nervously tried to put the mail in the open boxes. After a minute, the mailman sighed and went through his bag. He pulled out a bundle of letters and handed them to Buffy. Buffy snatched them away and rushed up the stairs. Angel apologized to the man and followed Buffy. She was standing in the middle of the living room opening an envelope. There was a piece of stationary and a business card. The stationary simply said, “See Nancy at 1461 1st Ave, Suite #195.” The business card had a number on it.
“What’s it say?” Angel asked. Buffy showed him the letter and the business card. “That’s weird.”
“That’s Drew.” Buffy said, grabbing her coat.
“What are you doing?”
“Going to see Nancy at 1461 1st Avenue in suite 195.” Buffy grabbed the business card from Angel and walked out. Angel shrugged and followed her out, grabbing his coat. They took a taxi to their destination and went up to suite 195. The front of it said Sceptre Tours. Buffy opened the door hesitantly and looked around. There was a counter by the door and behind that, there was a small multitude of desks.
There was a woman standing at the counter by the door. She had a bright smile on her face as she looked up. “Hi! Welcome to Sceptre Tours. I’m Rhonda. How can I help you?” Rhonda said. Buffy handed her the letter and the business card. Rhonda read it and smiled again. “Well, you’ve come to the right place. Nancy’s right over there.” Rhonda pointed to a dark red-headed woman sitting at a desk near the back.
Buffy walked over to her with Angel in tow and said, “Are you Nancy?”
Nancy looked up and smiled slightly. “Yes.”
“Oh, good. I uh, I received this today.” Buffy handed Nancy the business card.
Nancy looked at the number and then typed it into the computer. She waited and the computer beeped. “Oh!”
“Is something wrong?” Angel asked as Nancy started to tear up and she grabbed a tissue from her desk drawer.
She looked at Buffy with tears streaming down her face. “Oh, you’re his wife.”
Buffy looked at Angel and then back at Nancy. “Drew Turner?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“He was here?”
“Yes.” Nancy blew her nose and started digging through her desk drawers.
“When?”
Nancy paused in her digging. “Oh, um…. November.”
“November? November what?”
Nancy had to think for a few minutes. “November…. 17th. No! 27th! November 27th!”
Buffy looked at Angel. “That can’t be. He was bed-ridden for all of the end of November.”
“Yes, he did say that he wasn’t supposed to be out of bed.” She half laughed, half sobbed as she said, “He said that you all probably thought he’d been abducted by aliens or demons or something.” Nancy took a moment to compose herself and went back to digging. She finally pulled out a big blue folder. “Found it.” She laid it on her desk for Buffy to look at.
Buffy glanced through it and gasped. “He booked a trip to Ireland?”
“He booked the best trip money could buy for you and three other people.”
“Three other…. Who?”
“Oh, uh….” Nancy typed on the computer for a minute. “Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris, and an Angel no last name.”
Buffy giggled and looked at Angel. “Nice last name.”
Nancy looked at Angel. “Oh, you’re Angel?”
“Yes. The last name is Brennan.” Angel said.
“I’m sorry. Drew said that he couldn’t remember it.” Nancy typed in the last name. “Your plane leaves from JFK airport at 7:10 pm next Thursday and you’ll arrive in Dublin at 7:20am next Friday. There will be a tour guide waiting for you. He or she will direct you to your rental car and give you directions to your house.”
“House?” Buffy asked.
“Yes, he rented a house for you outside of Galway city.”
“So it’ll be us and the tour guide?”
“Oh, no! Drew was very adamant that there be no official tour guide.”
“Why?”
“He said you’d figure it out.”
Angel laughed and Buffy and Nancy looked at him. “It’s where I’m…. my family is from. I’ve been a few times.” He looked at Buffy. “I believe I’m your tour guide.”
Nancy smiled as she started to tear up again. “He worked everything out for you. It’s all in that folder.”
After pumping Nancy for all the information she could remember about Drew’s visit, Buffy and Angel headed back to her apartment. An hour later, Willow and Xander were seated at the kitchen table while Angel was working on supper.
“So, what’s all the hoopla?” Xander asked.
“Did you get Drew’s new letter?” Willow asked excitedly.
“I sure did.” Buffy laid the letter on the table with the business card.
They read over it and Xander said, “I don’t get it.”
“Who’s Nancy?” Willow asked. Buffy laid the folder on the table and watched Xander and Willow go through it. Willow let out a squeal. “He’s sending you to Ireland!”
“Nope.” Buffy said with a smirk.
“Nope?”
“He’s sending us to Ireland. You, me, Angel, and Xander.”
“No way!”
“Yes way!” Willow squealed and jumped out of her chair. She danced around the kitchen before realizing everyone was watching her. She calmly sat back down. “Sorry.”
“It’s ok. I almost did that myself.”
“We don’t have a tour guide.” Xander said, reading through the folder’s contents.
“Yes we do.” Angel said.
“We do?” Willow asked, looking over Xander’s shoulder.
“It’s me. Drew chose Galway because Buffy told him that’s where I’m from and she told him she’d always wanted to go.”
“When do we leave?” Xander asked.
“Thursday at seven pm.” Buffy said.
“A red eye?” Willow asked.
“It’s ok. We’ll sleep on the way there and when we get there, it’ll be morning.”
“This is so exciting! I can’t believe that Drew did this!”
“Me either.” Xander said.
Buffy just smiled. This was typical Drew. He loved to surprise her and this was the ultimate surprise. They’d talked about going to Ireland for vacation and making that the place they conceive their child. It had all been half-way planned after Buffy had gone to the doctor and confirmed that she was perfectly capable of having children.
“Hey, no sad face.” Willow said to Buffy, noticing her friend was starting to brood.
“Oh, sorry.” Buffy said. “Just thinking about Drew.”
Willow smiled sympathetically. “I know. We all miss him.”
Buffy smiled and squeezed Willow’s hand. “Oh, Cal’s coming at the end of this month.”
“He is?!”
“Yeah. Drew left him some things and he’s going to come pick them up.”
Xander leaned into Buffy and said quietly, “How’s he going to react to Angel?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re living with another man. Drew was Caleb’s best friend. He might be a little hurt that you’ve moved on so quick.”
“I haven’t ‘moved on’, Xander. Angel and I aren’t even Angel and I.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
Willow slapped Xander’s arm. “Leave her alone. Drew asked Angel to come and be with Buffy. This is what Drew wanted.”
“Still don’t get that.”
“He didn’t want me to be alone in my misery.” Buffy said quietly.
“Misery’s right.” Angel laughed. “She was sitting in her wedding dress about a month ago.”
“Mrs. Haversham!” Willow cried out and burst into giggles.
Xander looked completely bewildered. “Her last name’s Turner, Will.” That caused everyone to start laughing except Xander. “What!?”
Chapter 5
“Let’s go to Ireland.” Drew said.
Buffy looked over at him from her place across the couch. Her legs were stretched out and resting in his lap where he was gently massaging them. “What?”
“Let’s go to Ireland.” He repeated.
“Why?”
“Because it’s beautiful there. And it’s a good place to make a baby.”
Buffy laughed. “You’re serious.”
“Yes. I am.”
She sobered up. “You really want to go to Ireland to make a baby?”
“Why not? We haven’t had a decent vacation since our honeymoon. What better way to celebrate your news than to go make good of it in a place we’ve both never been, but really want to go?”
Buffy smiled. “I like that idea.” Drew smiled back at her, but it turned into a grimace and he pressed his fingertips to his temple. “Drew?”
He waved her off, smiling slightly. “I’m fine, baby. Brain freeze. I drank my lemonade too fast. So, should I start making those plans?”
***************
Buffy, Angel, Willow, and Xander pulled up to the house Drew had rented them in their rental sedan. The house looked like something out of a fairytale. Like it was the Gingerbread house from Hansel and Gretel. They got their bags out and headed into the house. There was a note for each of them in each of their bedrooms.
~~~
Dear Willow,
Hey Big Red! Work your magic and create some memorable times on this trip, not only for your friends, but for yourself too. You’re really one of the good ones. And don’t worry, you’ll never replace Tara, but you will find someone to light up your days and steam up your nights. She’s out there somewhere. She just hasn’t found the wily charms of Willow yet. I’m so glad Buffy has you as a friend. Take care of yourself and take care of my baby for me.
-Drew
~~~
Hey Pirate Pete!
Don’t give Buffy too much of a hard time about her decisions. She’s a big girl now. Even though you’ve had your quarrels, and even though I’ve wanted to kill you a couple of times, I’m still glad that you’ve stuck by Buffy and she’s stuck by you through everything. Take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to look outside of the demon world for love. There really are some good ones out there. I promise.
-Drew
~~~
Angel,
If you’re reading this, thank you. I’m so, so, so grateful that you’ve stuck by Buffy. I told you she’d need you.
Please don’t show her this letter. I want her to come to this revelation on her own. Ok?
You two belong together. You always have. I’ve told her that I was just a chapter in her life and that there would be others. I was talking about you, brother. You’re the book.
Don’t be afraid to show her that falling in love again isn’t so bad. Show her that love doesn’t always lead to heartache. She still believes it and I’ve only confirmed it by getting sick and leaving her. (Not that I meant to. I would’ve stayed with her forever if I could have.) She’s the most vibrant woman I’ve ever met and she’s lost a little bit of that over the last few months. She’s been through hell and back. I’m hoping that this all goes according to plan and you’re able to awaken that in her again.
And again, thanks for everything you’ve done and will do for her.
-Drew
PS Take her to a real Irish pub. The ones in New York are great and all, but they’re just not the real thing. Show her what it’s like to really absorb the Irish culture!
~~~
Hey baby,
How’d you like my surprise? Pretty spiffy, huh? I want you to go out to a good pub, I’m sure Angel knows a few, and savor the culture. Do some damage on your credit cards, too. (Make sure to get Cal a real Irish wool sweater, too. He’s been dying for one since I told him about our plans for baby making. I swear, he came out and ever since, he’s slowly started to become cliché! Clothes, hair, celebrities! Where does it end!? And you can tell him I said that. Ha!)
Enjoy your trip, no matter what. Kiss the Blarney Stone for me and when you’re standing on the beautiful green hills, blow a kiss towards heaven. I’ll catch it and throw one back at you.
And by the way, I love you.
*****************
Willow set her letter down on the patio table and wiped away the tears. She looked at Buffy and said, “I don’t know how you do this.”
Buffy ran her fingers over the dried ink on the stationary. “It’s not always easy. With every one of these I get, the closer I get to the end of Drew.”
“What do you mean?” Xander asked.
“Eventually these will stop and I won’t have anything left of him but memories and pictures and the things I’ve kept of his. It just doesn’t feel like it’s enough to keep going.”
“That’s not why Drew is doing this, Buffy.” Willow said.
“I know. He wants me to be able to move on and live again.”
“And you’re doing a great job!”
Buffy let out a puff of air through her closed lips. “Some days I can’t find the strength to crawl out of bed.” Everyone was silent and it stretched too long for anyone’s comfort. “Geez, I didn’t mean to bring the trip down in the first couple of hours.”
Willow smiled brightly. “Hey tour guide Angel, what’ve you got planned for us?”
Angel shrugged. “I thought you guys might enjoy a full Irish breakfast. I know Xander will. Afterwards, we can hit the shops. I thought the girls might like to see the town before we start seeing the historical things Galway has to offer.”
*****************
Buffy walked out the back door in the early morning sun and looked at the landscape. Drew had picked a beautiful setting for their rental house. The backyard had a lot of trees that were starting to get thick in the early spring time. When you walked past the trees, it opened up onto rolling green hills that lasted for miles. There was a slight fog that had settled over the land and the sun hit the dew just right through the fog to give everything a heavenly glisten.
She made her way through the trees and sat on a low branch overlooking the hills. She smiled slightly as she looked up at the pink and blue sky. Drew was up there somewhere, waiting for her. Buffy kissed her hand and blew it up at the sky. A light, warm wind came back at her and caressed her cheeks. A small dew drop from a leaf above her fell on her cheek and the wind brushed it. It felt like someone had just kissed her cheek. Tears sprang to Buffy’s eyes as she remembered Drew’s words in his letter. He had found a way to kiss her back. The warm wind stayed with Buffy and she could almost feel Drew’s arms around her. “I miss you.” She whispered to the wind, knowing that her words would be carried to the right recipient.
“Hey,” The wind died down as Angel walked up to her. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just…. Enjoying.” Buffy said.
“You’re crying.”
Buffy shrugged. “Only a few more to add to the thousands.” She turned her attention back to the hills. “I can’t believe this is what you grew up with as a kid. It’s so beautiful.”
“You know, I don’t remember ever taking the time to really savor the beauty that surrounded me. I was too busy being the baron’s son and taking advantage of everything that offered me.” When Buffy didn’t say anything, he trudged on. “So, I thought we could go to Blarney today. Didn’t Drew ask you to kiss the Blarney stone for him?”
Buffy smiled. “Yeah.”
****************
Buffy hauled her luggage into her apartment and looked around. The place was spotless. Gillian must’ve come by and cleaned. She did that when Drew and Buffy got too busy to clean up. For the first time since the funeral, Buffy was alone. Angel had found his own, fully furnished apartment a few blocks away. He’d announced it on their last night in Ireland. Buffy hadn’t wanted him to go, but she wouldn’t admit it. She was too proud for that. Besides, she’d managed without him before. She could do it now.
The trip to Ireland had been so relaxing. They’d gone to all the different historical places Angel could think of and he told them stories about when he’d been alive and it hadn’t been a museum. They had each probably gained a good 10 to 15 pounds apiece from all the food they’d eaten and Buffy had probably overdrawn herself at the bank from all the money she’d spent on souvenirs and clothes. She’d managed to get Cal’s Irish wool sweater in a pretty green that would bring out the green in his almost aqua eyes. She’d also picked up a couple for herself and for Dawn in other colors. Dawn would probably be calling soon since she knew Buffy was coming home that day.
After taking the luggage upstairs and spending twenty minutes trying to decide whether she really wanted to unpack right then and there, Buffy decided she didn’t want to and headed back downstairs. She rummaged through the mail Gillian had brought up, hoping a letter from Drew would be there. There was nothing. She sighed and tossed the bills back on the side table in the hallway. She walked around the big apartment and listened to the sound of nothing. It was completely silent.
That’s why when the doorbell rang, it was super loud and scared the hell out of her. Buffy went to the door and yanked it open, nearly screaming “what!” before she caught herself. There was a flower delivery man standing there with a bouquet of two dozen black magic roses. “Are you Buffy Summers?”
“Any singing involved?” Buffy asked wearily.
“Nope.”
“Then yes, I’m Buffy.”
“Sign here.” He held out a clipboard with a pen attached. There was an X at the bottom of the page. Buffy signed and he handed her the flowers. “Enjoy.”
“Thanks.” Buffy shut the door and carried the bouquet into the dining room. There was a familiar envelope in the bouquet and Buffy’s smile widened. She pulled the card out and opened it up.
Hey baby!
I know you had an awesome time in Ireland and you probably spent more than you should’ve. Am I right?
So here’s the thing, I know it’s been really hard facing the world these last few months, but it’s really time to get back out there. I bet Edie misses you. She’s probably got a whole three closets filled with the works just for you again.
So, go back to work. Get into the swing of things again. You never know, something big might come from it.
And by the way, I love you.
Buffy sighed. She knew this was coming. Hell, she’d been half way planning it herself on the way back from Ireland. She’d overspent there and now she was worried about paying the bills. Drew’s estate hadn’t been completely finalized yet (stupid court system), so she hadn’t received all of her inheritance money he’d left her yet. There was no way she was asking Angel for money or any of her friends. She knew she could talk to her mother-in-law, but she wouldn’t. She could do this on her own.
Buffy sighed again and headed over to the phone. Edie picked up her direct line after four rings. “Hey Edie.”
“Buffy! Oh darling, how are you?”
“I’m….” She took a deep breath. “I’m ok. Hanging in there.”
“Oh, we miss you here so much.”
“Actually, that’s why I’m calling.”
“Please, please, please don’t tell me you’re quitting! You’re the best assistant I’ve had.”
“No! No. I’m not quitting. I was wondering if I still had a job.”
“Of course you do! Sweetheart, you will always have a job here.”
Buffy smiled. “Well, I was thinking that you can bump Rachel back down to part time on Monday and I’ll come back to work.”
“Are you sure you’re ready, Buffy? I’ll understand if you’re not.”
“No, no. I’m ready.”
“Rachel!” Edie yelled. Buffy had to pull the phone away from her ear. “You’re back down to part time Monday. And no buts. Buffy’s coming back and I will not put her on part time. I absolutely need her here.” Edie came back on the phone. “Everything’s set for your grand comeback, my dear! And don’t forget, you have to be stylish. If you need them, I’ve saved some things for you. You could come in this weekend and pick through them.”
“Sure.”
“Oh, Buffy. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. Rachel’s a nice girl, but she’s just not cut out for full time assisting yet. It’s been a nightmare without you! And truthfully, I’m fairly certain that she’s been taking flowers from my house when she delivers the mark up. I don’t have proof, otherwise I would’ve fired her.”
“I’ll talk to her, Edie.”
“Would you? Thank you so much! I cannot wait until you come back. Listen, darling, my other line is beeping. Rachel doesn’t even tell me when she’s transferring calls.”
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Thank you, Buffy. I’ll see you Monday.” Edie hung up. She never said goodbye. It was just an Edie-ism.
Chapter 6
Buffy and Drew walked hand in had through Central Park. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon and Buffy had taken it off to spend time with her husband. “So, what did the doctor say?” Drew didn’t say anything. “Drew?”
“Let’s not talk about it today, Buffy. It’s too beautiful.” Drew said, squeezing her hand.
Buffy pulled away from him. “No. What’s wrong? What did the doctor say?” Drew sighed and walked over to a bench to sit down. She walked over and stood in front of him. “Drew?”
“It’s not good, baby. But we have options.”
“I don’t…. Options? What are you talking about?”
“Sit down.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Please?”
Buffy sighed and relented. She sat down next to him and looked at him. “Drew, don’t leave me hanging here. What’s wrong?” Her voice was tight with unshed, worried tears.
“She said there’s a tumor.”
“What?”
“It’s in my brain…. Buried pretty deep actually.”
Buffy’s breath hitched. “Can…. Can they…. Operate? Can they fix this?”
“She said there’s no operating where this thing is. But there’s always chemo to think about.”
“Is it….” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“Malignant?” Buffy nodded. “Yeah.”
The tears finally started falling. “Drew….”
“Hey, don’t give up hope now. We’ll beat this. Medicine’s really improved in the last couple of years.”
She smiled bravely even though she didn’t feel brave at all. “Yeah. We will.”
********************
Buffy and Angel sat in Central Park and watched the people go by. Buffy was on her lunch break, which Edie allowed her to take for however long she wanted. She’d been back to work for three weeks now and things were starting to feel normal. But that was Buffy’s problem. She didn’t think she should feel normal yet.
“Buffy, you can’t feel guilty because your life is starting to move forward.” Angel said.
“I know, but….” Buffy sighed. “For the last six years it was Drew and I. And I loved it. I let it completely consume me because he promised me he would never leave me. I knew he wasn’t lying to me.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“Drew did. And he meant it. I knew he would be with me forever.” Buffy looked down. “Just another piece of evidence that my love life is not meant to be. Men never stay with me. They always leave.”
“Buffy, I….”
Buffy stood up. “I should get back to work. Edie can’t stand Rachel and she’s ready to fire her when I’m not around.” She picked up her purse and happened to see an elderly couple strolling down the path behind the benches. She felt a pang of sadness and jealousy go through her. “That's a real honest to goodness couple right there. They've probably been together since the flood.” She snorted. “Humans are so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. No one realizes what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who loves you for everything that you are and not just certain parts of you.” A tear coursed down her cheek and she wiped it away.
Angel stood up. “Come on, let’s get you a taxi.”
“Oh, I’ve got the company car. I don’t need a taxi.”
“Aren’t you the big shot?”
“No. Just…. Favored. It’ll probably pass the minute I screw something up.”
“You’ve worked there seven years, I don’t think you could screw something up that bad.” Angel said confidently.
*********************
Buffy walked into the office and set her things down on her desk. She looked over at Rachel who was walking up to her with a worried look on her face. “Hey, is everything ok?” Buffy asked.
“Edie wants to see you.” Rachel said.
“Ok.” Buffy headed for Edie’s office.
“Oh, she’s not in there.”
“Where is she?”
“She’s up in the conference room.”
“Ok. Why do I get the feeling I’m going to the guillotine?”
“I don’t know, but the way she said ‘when Buffy gets back, tell her I need to see her immediately’, she sounded kinda pissed off.”
“Pissed off? Was it something I did?”
“I don’t know, Buffy. Oh, I hope you don’t get fired! I can’t handle Edie by myself again!”
Buffy smiled. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” She headed back out of the office and stepped into the stairwell. She still wouldn’t get on the elevator. It always reminded her of Drew since that’s where they always met to go get lunch or to leave the office together.
What in the world could Edie want that was so serious?
The conference room was where the heads of each department in the magazine met to discuss the upcoming issue and what would go in it. Buffy had been in there a number of times and had even gotten to submit some ideas that Edie had loved and put in the magazine. The walls of the room were made of sound-proof glass and Buffy could see that Edie and the owner of the magazine, Edward Young, were the only two in the room. Edward Young was a conceited prick who thought the world revolved around him. If he was involved in a private meeting, it couldn’t be good. She gulped and smiled at them as she opened the door.
“Buffy.” Edie said.
“Hey Edie. Hi Mr. Young.” Buffy looked at Edie. “Rachel said you needed to see me?”
“Yes. Have a seat.” Edie gestured to the open chair across from her. Edward Young sat at the head of the table and the two woman were on either side of him now.
“I’m sorry, is something wrong? I just get this crazy feeling you’re about to fire me.”
Mr. Young laughed. “No, no, Miss Summers.”
“Mrs. Turner.”
He smiled arrogantly. “I thought now that you were single again, you’d revert to your maiden name. It’s much more kosher when you’re back in the dating scene.”
“No. I love my husband and just because he’s no longer with us does not mean I’m going to disrespect his memory by ditching his last name. And I’m not ‘back in the dating scene’, thank you.”
“Very well. Mrs. Turner, Edie was telling me that since you’ve been back to work, you’ve done nothing but just that. Work.”
Buffy glanced at Edie, but she was watching Edward. “Yes.”
“We can’t have you sulking in the office hiding from the world. Edie feels that you would be best suited to replace our party consultant. Which means that you would have to go out into the world. Are you prepared for that?”
“Wait, I’m confused. Are you trying to get rid of me or promote me?”
Edie laughed and her face broke out into a rare smile. “We’re promoting you, Buffy!”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. Chad, our party consultant, just turned in his month’s notice. Edward came to me and asked me to find him someone to replace Chad and the first person I thought of was you.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“But I don’t have any experience or training or schooling or….”
“You’ve been under me for seven years and you know what this magazine is looking for. I have the utmost confidence that I’ve made the right decision by promoting you.”
“What about Rachel?”
“What about her? She’ll be my full time assistant from here on out and she’ll have to look for someone to help her out like she helped you.”
“You hate her.”
“Buffy, I hate everyone. Some more than others.”
Buffy smiled slightly. “You don’t hate me.”
“Well, I think I’ve proved that by promoting you. But if you start spreading that around, I won’t like you anymore and I’ll have to fire you. Understood?”
“Yes.”
Edward stood up. “Congratulations Buffy.” He shook her hand. “If Edie believes in you and your work ethic, then I have to as well. Welcome to the team.” He walked out.
Buffy looked at Edie. “And you, missy,” Edie said. “Will have to get yourself a makeover.”
“Why?” Buffy asked, looking down at herself.
“Don’t get me wrong, Buffy. You’re gorgeous. But you’ve lost a lot of weight and you’ve allowed your hair to into get a state of slight disrepair. We can’t have our party consultant in front of the camera and meeting celebrities looking her worst.”
“In front of the camera?”
“We’re looking to revamp the party portion of our magazine and you’re just the right face to do it with. We’ll go over everything in our meeting Monday morning when we announce Chad’s departure and your promotion.” Edie stood up. “Right now, we’re going to the spa for a day of relaxation and beauty to kick off the weekend.”
“‘We’re’? As in….”
“You and me.” Edie smiled again and Buffy was convinced that the Apocalypse was coming.
*****************
When Buffy got home late that afternoon, she found she was half excited and half upset by the promotion she’d gotten. Excited, obviously because this was a big opportunity for her, upset because Drew wasn’t there to share the excitement with her. He would’ve thrown a big, blow out party for just the two of them. They would’ve stuffed themselves silly and drank enough alcohol to take down Andre the Giant. They would’ve danced all night long maybe at home or maybe even at a club.
Buffy sighed. She’d always managed to stay focused on the upside of a situation, but lately she’d only been able to see the down side of everything. She was tired of death. Death was stupid. It took people away from her that should’ve outlived her. She was starting to wonder if she’d be the first Slayer to outlive everyone else. It was starting to look like that.
The phone rang and Buffy picked it up. “Yeah?”
“Hey Buffy!” It was Cal.
“Hey Cal.”
“Why so sad?”
“I got a promotion.”
Cal chuckled. “Yeah, that’s…. That’s horrible.”
“Don’t mock me.”
Cal stopped laughing. “Buff, that’s great news! We’ll have to celebrate tonight.”
“Tonight?” There was a knock on the door and Buffy went to open it.
“Yes, tonight!” Cal hung up the phone and scooped her up into a big bear hug.
“I thought you weren’t coming in until tomorrow.”
“I caught an earlier flight.” Cal grabbed his luggage and pulled it in the apartment, closing the door behind him. He looked around. “Wow, Gillian must’ve cleaned in here.”
“That and I don’t really do anything except sleep and work. I don’t make much of a mess.”
“Sleep and work? No wonder you’re hair looks so haggard.”
“Why do people keep saying that?”
“Because it’s the truth. But it’s the chicest look for a ravishing widow such as yourself.” He led her over to the couch and they sat down together. “So, what’s new? Other than your promotion, that is.”
“My promotion is pretty much it.”
“Gotten any more letters from your hubby?”
“No.” Buffy said sadly. She looked at him. “Did you help him set this up?”
“Me? No. I was just as surprised as you were that he planned all this without us knowing. We were with him 24/7.”
Buffy sighed. “You seem chipper.”
“Seeming and being are entirely different things.”
“Wish I could act as good as you.”
“You’re not expected to.” Cal sighed. “Look, this is the night of your big promotion! You shouldn’t be skulking in this apartment! You should be out on the town drinking Cosmos and showing Carrie Bradshaw what it’s really like to be a big shot fashionista in New York City!” He paused. “By the way, what did you get promoted to?”
“Party consultant.”
“Oh, wow. What does that mean?”
“It means I have to get dressed in all the latest fashions, go to parties, mingle with people and celebrities, check everything out from the fashion to the food to the decorations, and then write about it all.”
“Check you out! The chick version of your husband. I’m assuming you’ll invite me to every one of the hot parties.”
“Why should I?”
Cal huffed. “I am the events coordinator at a resort. I think I could be a consultant to the consultant.”
Buffy laughed. “Of course I’ll invite you. You could be my date.”
“Just remember that I’m not easy. You have to wine me and dine me if you want to get in these pants.”
“Oh! Speaking of pants…. Or rather, clothes.” Buffy rushed upstairs and searched for Cal’s Irish wool sweater and the box of things Drew had left him.
He appeared in the doorway to the guest bedroom and clucked his tongue at her. “What have you done, Buffy Turner? This room is the wreck of Hesperus!”
“Edie’s been piling on the designer clothes and I’m running out of places to put them. My closet’s full.”
Cal opened the door to the guest bedroom’s walk-in closet. “So is this one.”
“Yeah and so are all the dressers.” Buffy finally found the sweater in a bag on top of the box. “Here!” She handed him everything and they went back downstairs.
“This sweater is perfect, Buff!” Cal said, holding it up to him to look in the mirror over the fireplace. “Thank you!”
“Drew wanted me to tell you that ever since you came out you’ve slowly started to become cliché.”
Cal laughed and looked away. Buffy knew he was tearing up. He missed his best friend. She went over and hugged him from behind and he turned around and held her as they cried together. Finally, Cal loosened his grip and looked down at her. “This is your big night. We’re not supposed to be standing here crying our eyes out. Come on. You go get dressed in something wicked and we’ll go out.”
Buffy smiled. “Sure.”
“We’ll go to Marquee.”
Buffy shook her head. “No way. I’m too old for that place now.”
“Nonsense! You’re only 30. Didn’t you hear that 30 is the new 20?” He gently pushed her towards the stairs. “Go. Change. Look spectacular!”
Chapter 7
Drew smiled broadly. “Cal!” He hugged his best friend tightly.
“Drew. You’re looking good.” Caleb said, walking into the apartment and rubbing Drew’s bald head. “You look like a white version of Michael Jordan.”
Drew rubbed his head self consciously. “Gee, thanks.”
“Anytime. So where’s your gorgeous wife? She finally come to her senses and find someone better?”
“Ha, ha.” Drew said sarcastically.
“So? Where is she?”
“She’s upstairs asleep.”
“She knew I was coming?”
“Yeah. She’s…. It’s been hard on her.”
Cal nodded. He’d desperately tried to forget about his best friend’s illness. It was a lot easier for him since he wasn’t here. But poor Buffy. She was by his side night and day. She’d seen everything that Drew had gone through and she’d gone through her own personal hell with him. He didn’t blame her for being asleep. She needed rest whenever she could allow herself to take it.
“So, how long?”
“Doctors say three months at best. One at the worst.” Cal nodded and fought back the tears. He wouldn’t cry in front of Drew. Drew was being brave and so was he. “I’ve got a favor to ask of you, Cal. It’s kinda big.”
“Anything, man. Name it.”
*******************
Buffy was wearing a shimmering, black, long sleeved, high-necked L’Wren Scott mini dress with a pair of Christian Louboutin, Moro shoe boots. She loved them. They were the latest style from the famous shoe designer. They were white patent leather with black patent leather tips. On the outer side, there was faux button detailing and a zip fastening on the inner sides. The whole shoe was 5 ½ inches high with about one inch of concealed platform. The only jewelry she wore was a Fred Leighton white leather cuff with a gothic cross on it. Her hair was in messy, long, wavy blonde locks and her makeup was so subtle, it looked like she wasn’t wearing anything.
Cal whistled at her as she walked down the stairs. “Check your bad self out.”
Buffy smiled. “You don’t look half bad yourself.” He was wearing a maroon, button up shirt with the top three buttons undone to show off his chiseled chest, black dress slacks, and black men’s Versace dress shoes.
“If I weren’t gay and Drew wasn’t my best friend, I’d be all over you.”
That made Buffy laugh and she hugged Caleb tightly. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited your sister, Xander, and Willow.”
“Oh.”
“They’re going to meet us there. Is that ok?”
“Uh…. Sure.”
“Are you positive? I can call them and make up an excuse.”
“No. No, that’s fine.” She smiled bravely and allowed him to put her knee-length, white, Marc Jacobs babydoll peacoat on her.
***************
The taxi pulled up to Marquee and Buffy saw Willow, Xander, Dawn, and Angel standing outside. Buffy inwardly cringed. She was a little nervous about how Cal’s reaction to Angel would be. She was hoping to put it off until a lot later.
“Who’s that?” Cal asked as he helped Buffy out of the cab.
“Who?” Buffy asked.
“Tall, dark, and handsome with the sexy eyes.”
“Oh, that’s Angel.”
“Does he swing my kinda of bat?”
“No.”
Cal smiled wickedly at her. “Is that juice I smell?”
“What?”
“Juicy gossip. Do I smell it?”
Buffy looked away. “No.”
Cal dodged around her and looked her directly in the eye as he paid the driver. “Hesitation.”
“Shut up.” Buffy shot back, a little hurt he would use Drew’s word.
Before Cal could respond, Dawn wrapped her arms tightly around her older sister. “Buffy, you look amazing!” she squealed. “You have to let me raid your closet! Cal!” She jumped on Caleb, giving him a big hug as he carried her up to the group.
“It’s good to see you too, Dawn.” Cal said.
“So, is there a reason we’re all going out tonight, or is it cause you’re in town?” Xander asked, doing the manly hug of grasping hands with Cal and slapping each other on the back.
“We are celebrating tonight!” Cal announced.
“What are we celebrating?” Willow asked, hugging Cal tightly.
Cal looked over at Buffy standing near Angel. “I’ll let Buffy tell it after she introduces me to her friend.”
“Caleb, this is Angel. Angel, this is Drew’s best friend Caleb.”
Cal shook Angel’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Buffy’s told me absolutely nothing about you.”
“We’re old friends from way back.” Angel said.
“Let’s go inside and I’ll start talking.” Buffy said, pushing through her friends and walking up to the bouncer.
“Hey Buffy. I see Cal’s back in town.” Bruce said, giving Buffy a hug.
“Yeah. Drew left him some stuff.”
“Haven’t seen you in a while. Of course, that’s understandable. How’re you doing?”
“I’ve been better.”
“Well, you look great. And you look like you’ve got something to celebrate.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll stop by your table later and you can tell me. I go on break in 20.” Bruce lifted the velvet rope and Buffy led her group in to serious protests from the people waiting in line. Buffy and Drew had come to Marquee a lot and Bruce had been a bouncer there for years. They’d always managed to stop and talk to Bruce whenever they were there. He really liked the couple. To see them not together was weird.
Once they got to their usual table, added chairs, and ordered drinks, everyone looked at Buffy expectantly. She was staring at the table sadly and thinking about Drew. He should be sitting where Angel was sitting now. It suddenly became a little too much for her and she didn’t want to go on with the night.
Cal understood because he was feeling the sudden depression too. But he wasn’t going to let it spoil the night. Drew wouldn’t have wanted that. He grasped Buffy’s hand and leaned in to say in her ear. “He’s here with us, you just can’t see him.”
Buffy looked at him and squeezed his hand back. “Thanks.”
“So, what are we celebrating?” Dawn asked, bouncing up and down as she sipped at her Cosmo. Buffy still couldn’t believe her little sister was old enough to drink.
“I had a meeting with Edie today.” Buffy started.
“You have those almost every day.” Xander said.
“Shh!” Dawn said, slapping Xander’s arm.
“Anyway, she told me that Chad the party consultant put in his month’s notice today.”
“You didn’t like Chad?” Willow asked, wide eyed.
“No, I did, but that’s not the point.”
“Oh.”
“The point is: I got his job.”
“Wait…. You got Chad fired?” Xander asked.
“You got a promotion!” Dawn screamed, nearly knocking over her Cosmo. Buffy nodded. “Buffy!” She rushed over to hug her big sister tightly. “Congratulations!”
“That’s awesome news, Buff!” Xander said, going over and hugging her.
“Buffy!” Willow moved Xander aside and hugged her best friend. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” Buffy said a little sadly.
“No congratulations?”
“It’s not that I’m not excited….”
“It’s ok, Buffy.” Angel said, taking her hand and gripping it. “It’s ok to be sad that he’s not here to share this great news with. You’re allowed to grieve.”
Buffy smiled slightly and laid her head down on his shoulder. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.” Angel looked out at the dance floor below them. “Hey, would you…. Would you like to dance?”
Buffy looked up at him in confusion and shock. “What?”
“Please don’t make me repeat it. I might not go through with it.”
“Oh.” She glanced out at the dance floor and thought about it. “Ok. Sure.”
Angel helped Buffy out of her chair and led her out to the dance floor. Cal watched them closely and then turned to Willow. “So who is he?”
“Who?” Willow asked, looking around.
“Angel. Who is he?”
“He’s Angel.”
“I got that. How does he know Buffy and why is she so…. Comfortable with him?”
“Oh, uh….”
“He’s Buffy’s flame from way back when.” Xander said.
“Flame?” Cal asked, glancing at the dance floor.
“The flame, actually. Before Drew. The one that all others were measured up to.”
“What’s he doing here?”
“Drew asked him to come.” Dawn said simply, watching her sister and her ex-vampire lover.
Cal sat back and looked out at Buffy and Angel again. They were talking about something and Buffy was laughing at whatever Angel had just said as they half swayed to the music. So he was the vampire that Drew had told him about. Drew hadn’t liked Angel simply because he was Buffy’s first love and like all men, he was threatened by him. Why would Drew ask him to come to New York? It didn’t make sense. “Why?” Cal asked out loud, not meaning to.
“Why what?” Willow asked.
Cal looked at Dawn. “Why would Drew do that? He didn’t like Angel.”
Dawn shrugged. “Drew told me that he knew Angel could take care of Buffy like no one else. I guess cause Angel’s lost a lot of people he’s loved, so he knows a thing or two about how to grieve and move on.”
“Move on to what exactly?”
**************
On the dance floor, Buffy was laughing at Angel as he told her the story of Nina taking him out to dance on one of their dates. “Turns out that the hustle is no longer an acceptable dance in clubs.” Angel finished.
Buffy took a breath. “What made you think of the hustle!?” She started laughing again.
“I panicked! You know I don’t dance.”
“You’re dancing now.”
“Well, I’ve had time to start learning.”
“You’ve taken classes?”
“No. I’ve gone to clubs and observed. I’m still better at slow dancing, but I can sort of keep up with a crowd. Besides,” Angel pointed to the drunk woman flailing around the middle of the dance floor. “There’s always one of those around to make me look like Fred Astaire.” Buffy took a few more minutes to quit laughing at Angel and then had to take a few deep breaths to ease the pain in her side from laughing so hard. They decided to hit the bar and get a couple of waters. “So, I never got to congratulate you on your promotion.”
“No, you didn’t.”
Angel chuckled. “Congratulations, Buffy. I’m assuming you’ve earned it.”
Buffy shrugged. “I’ve just been a really good assistant, I guess.”
“It seems to me that you’ve been more than just an assistant. Assistants don’t go from helping out to taking over a major part of a magazine.”
“Well, Edie does like me and she doesn’t like many people.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“What if I can’t do this job? I’ll let her down.”
“Buffy, you can do this job.”
“I’m not a writer.”
“It doesn’t matter. Edie obviously believes you can do this. And you’ll have a month with the guy that’s leaving to learn everything.”
“Yeah, but Edie also said that they were revamping the whole thing.”
“So, you’ll get a chance to make it your own.”
Buffy shrugged. “I guess.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Buffy. You can do this. You’ve always been able to accomplish what you set your mind to.”
“I wish you’d have told my teachers that back in high school.”
“You were a little busy back then.”
“Well, making out with you was a hell of a lot better than doing homework.”
“Thanks.”
“And then, oddly enough, saving the world from you was also better than doing homework.”
Angel laughed. “Gee, thanks so much.”
Buffy shrugged again. “I was never one for the book learning.”
“I know. You’re very much a here and now person. You don’t live in books.”
“Which makes me worried that I’m not going to be able to pull this job off. I don’t read. Ok, I read magazines, but….”
“That’s perfect. You read magazines. You know what Edie’s looking for. Don’t sell yourself short. You got this job because you’ve earned it.”
“But….”
“No.” Angel gripped her shoulders. “You earned this job and you will be good at it.”
Buffy smiled. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
She looked up at Angel and stared into his eyes for a moment while she played with the buttons on his shirt. “You know, this human thing suits you.”
Angel smiled and moved a little closer. Buffy felt the need to feel him around her, so she moved into him and wrapped her arms around his waist. His big arms came around her and she felt the warmth and safety that she alone could always feel in his arms. Despite everything, he still had a pull to him that only Buffy could feel. And she still felt the need to be near him. It had been an addiction that she thought she’d kicked, but it turned out it had just been on the backburner. Now that he was here and she could have him, she was finding it more and more difficult to keep that addiction on the backburner.
For the first time, Buffy thought that this could be the reason that Drew had asked Angel to deliver that first package. He wanted her to find love again in the only other person she’d ever allowed herself to fully love.
Chapter 8
Buffy sat with Drew in the hospital and listened to the doctors drone on about his condition. It wasn’t improving. Of course it wasn’t improving. Her husband was dying. There was no miracle cure to save him. Nothing magical either.
“Hey, no sad thoughts.” Drew said, taking her hand and squeezing. He’d interrupted the doctor.
“Nope.” Buffy said, smiling slightly. “No sad thoughts here.”
Cal walked into the room with a Big Gulp of grape soda from 7Eleven. “Here man, I had to walk twelve blocks for this.”
“Thanks. I’ll walk sixteen for an Orange one for you.” Drew said.
“You’re not supposed to have that, Mr. Turner. You know that.” The doctor said.
“Yeah, well, I’m dying. Who cares if it rots my teeth out now, huh?” He looked around at the slightly stunned faces of his wife and best friend. “Sorry. Inappropriate humor.”
Buffy nodded. “It’s ok.” She looked at the doctor. “When can we go home?”
The doctor smiled. “I’ll arrange for a nurse to come out at night to help.”
“Ok, good. When can we leave?”
“It really depends on when the nurse….”
“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of my husband, doctor. The nurse can come whenever she wants. When can we leave?”
The doctor sighed. “Tomorrow morning at the earliest. I’ll start getting the paperwork together.” She walked out of the room.
*****************
Buffy woke up that Saturday to a dark and rainy day outside. She hadn’t drank much, so she didn’t have a hangover. She’d hoped that it would be a nice day outside so she could go out to the park with Angel like she’d been doing every Saturday. They were supposed to be going to the zoo today.
With a sigh, Buffy kicked off the covers and got out of bed. She went downstairs to the kitchen and jumped when she saw Cal sitting at the kitchen table. “God, Cal! I forgot you were here.”
Cal chuckled. “Good morning, sunshine.”
Buffy smiled. “Good morning. You’re hair looks like it had its own mini tornado happen.”
“It’s this weather. Every time it rains, my hair goes berserk!”
“You haven’t even brushed it yet.”
“With my fingers I have.”
“Cal, you’re breaking the gay stereotype! You better be careful. The queens of New York will unite against you.”
Cal flung his hand at her. “We’re in Manhattan, they’re in the Village. I think I’m safe until I get some hair product in my hair. Then they’ll never know.” He watched her pour herself a cup of coffee and sit down at the table before he said, “So, what are your plans for today?”
Buffy shrugged. “I was supposed to go to the zoo in the park today, but it’s raining.”
“Let’s go to the aquarium. I haven’t been there in ages!”
“We’ll see.”
“We’ll see? What’s that mean?”
“Well, Angel and I spend Saturdays together.” Cal nodded slowly. “What?”
“You and Angel…. You guys go way back then?”
Buffy smiled slightly. “Yeah. I knew him back in Sunnydale.”
“Yeah, the guys told me last night.”
“What exactly did they tell you?”
“Oh, just that you two had the forbidden love of all time and you’ve nearly ended the world because of it.”
“That’s all in the past.”
“And what lies in the future, then?”
“What are you getting at?”
“You two seem awfully cozy together.”
Buffy shrugged. “We’re friends.”
“Just friends?”
“Yes, just friends. Cal, what is this about?”
“Nothing.”
“No, something’s bothering you.”
Cal sighed. “I don’t get how you can act so lovey dovey with Angel and your husband hasn’t even been dead six months.”
“I’m not acting lovey dovey with Angel!”
“What was that last night?”
“Last night is my business. What I do with Angel is my business. Cal, I love Drew. I always will. But….” She took a deep breath as tears started to fall. “He’s gone. He’s never coming back. We all have to accept that and move on with our lives. I’m trying to. Gods know I’m trying to. And it’s hard as hell, but Angel’s helping. And that’s what Drew wanted.”
“He didn’t even like the guy.”
“He didn’t even know Angel.”
“After everything Angel’s put you through….”
“I don’t get that. Why do people see it that way? I put him through a lot, too. And we went through a lot together. Angel is a very, very, very dear friend to me and no one is going to make me feel guilty for him being here.”
“That was never my intention.”
“Then what was? Cause, Cal, I’m a little confused here.”
“Drew was my best friend, Buffy. He was like a brother to me. He was family when my family turned their backs on me. And I don’t want to see someone stomping on his memory. Especially not the woman he was madly in love with.”
Buffy was stunned. Cal thought she was stomping on the memory of her husband by being friends with Angel. “I…. I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, you did. You always mean what you say.” Cal didn’t say anything. “I am not stomping on the memory of my husband. I love Drew, but I can’t stay married to a dead man for the rest of my life. I know you don’t get it.” She sighed and stood up. “As a Slayer, you learn that life is precious and it’s short and you have to roll with the punches. These…. These are the hardest punches I’ve ever had to deal with and some days, I can’t. Those days I can’t even get out of bed it hurts my heart so bad. Those are the days I don’t think I can make it another day without him. But then another day comes and I slowly realize that I can make it another day. I’ve got to try and find the happiness that Drew always wanted for me. And so do you, Cal.” The doorbell rang and Buffy stared at Cal for a long moment. He was crying silently, but he wouldn’t look at her. The doorbell rang again and Buffy went to get it. A UPS man was standing there holding a small box. “Yeah?”
“You Buffy Turner?” The man asked.
“Yes.”
“Sign here.” He handed her his little scanner and a stick-pen for it. She signed her name and he handed her the box.
Buffy closed the door and carried the box into the living room. She carefully cut the tape with a dagger she kept sitting in a decorative holster on the mantel over the fireplace and opened the box. In the box was a pile of samples of paint and stains and a stack of decorating magazines. On top of them was a letter from Drew.
Hey baby!
How’s work going? Was I right about the “something big”? I have to be! You’re destined for something big. Always have been.
Anyway, I know you’re probably wondering where you’re going to put everything that Edie’s given you because I’m betting that it’s taking up your entire closet AND the guest bedrooms. (I’m laughing at this sight right now because I can see it so vividly.)
So, my new task for you is to finally turn the big guest bedroom into your dream closet. Don’t worry about the cost. Just make it to your liking. I’ve put all kinds of decorating stuff in this box just for you to play with and figure out what you want to do with your new closet. Can’t wait to see how it turns out.
And by the way, I love you.
Buffy reached in and took out the magazines, brochures, and samples Drew had put in there. He had even included Xander’s business card. She laughed and sat back, setting the box aside, to start going through everything and picking out what she liked. She completely forgot her argument with Caleb as she buried herself in Drew’s task he’d set for her.
So, when Cal came in and sat across from her, she didn’t even notice. “I’m sorry.” He said. Buffy looked up, startled. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Buffy asked, a little confused. She really had been completely engrossed in planning.
“For the things I said in there. I know you can’t be a grieving widow for the rest of your life. I do know that. But it’s still hard to see you with someone else. He was so in love with you, you were all he could see. From the moment he met you, he knew you were going to be his wife for the rest of his life.” Cal sighed. “So I’m not mad at you for being with Angel. I’m mad at Drew for asking you to be with him.”
“Drew never asked me to be with him. He asked Angel to come and be here for me when I needed him. If it wasn’t for Angel, I don’t think I’d be quite this…. Normal.”
Cal nodded and looked at the things Buffy had strewn around her on the couch. “What is all this?”
“Something Drew sent me.”
“You got another letter?” Buffy nodded and handed the letter to Cal. He read over it and laughed. “He wanted to surprise you with this for your tenth wedding anniversary. He said he was saving up because you kept adding to your collection of clothes.”
Buffy laughed too. “Every time I asked him about it, he always said neither of us had the time.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” Buffy’s eyes lit up. “Do you want to go move the furniture out and start planning?”
“Of course. Let’s call Xander in. He’s the man with the tools.”
“You like him.”
“I do not!”
“Drew told me he thought you did, but I didn’t believe him. I do now.”
Cal shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. He’s not gay.”
“Even if he was, there would be too much testosterone in that relationship.” Buffy grabbed Cal’s hand. “Come on. Let’s start moving.”
******************
Buffy, Dawn, and Willow sat in the hallway and watched the men work in Buffy’s old guest bedroom. Xander had brought in two of his men and Angel was helping out as well. Work on the huge closet had been going on for two weeks now. Buffy was picking up everything she needed to know on her new job quickly and Edie was taking her out for the whole weekend to get her makeover.
“Are you excited?” Dawn asked.
“I’m a little nervous.” Buffy said. “I mean, I haven’t really changed my look that dramatically since….”
“Spike.” Willow and Dawn said.
“Yeah.”
“Well, I think it’ll be good for you.” Dawn said. “You’re starting a new life. Why not start it with a killer new look?”
“Oh, that’s a good way of looking at it!” Willow said excitedly.
“I just hope she doesn’t have my hair cut off.” Buffy said, playing with her mid-back length hair. “Drew liked it long.”
“Then tell her you’d like to keep it long.” Dawn said. “But definitely give it a funky new look.”
Buffy lifted an eyebrow at her sister. “Funky?”
“But hip.”
Willow opened the plans for the new closet. “This is really neat, Buff.”
“It’s all remote controlled too!” Buffy said, beaming.
“You can barely work the Direct TV remote.” Dawn said.
“I know, but that’s for TV. This is for my clothing and my shoes and my jewelry….”
“I get that.” Willow said.
“So I think I’ll get it down pretty quick.”
Dawn smiled and looked at Angel taking his shirt off. “Wow. He has a tan.”
“Yup.” Buffy said, watching Angel’s muscles move under his lightly tanned skin.
“Looks good on him.”
“Yup.”
“Monkeys are flying by the window.”
“Yup.” Dawn started laughing. Buffy shook her head and looked at her younger sister. “What?”
“Buffy, it’s ok if you want to be with Angel.” Dawn looked at the tall, dark, ex-vampire. “Hell, if he wasn’t Buffy-blinded, I’d want to be with him.” She shook her head. “He loves you and you love him. Drew would’ve wanted you to be happy.”
Buffy shook her head. “What would people think? Drew hasn’t even been gone a whole year.”
“Since when do you care what people think?” Willow asked.
“Huh? I don’t, but…. After what Cal said it would seem wrong.”
“But it’s what Drew wanted.” Dawn said. “You said so yourself that you just knew he did.”
“What if he didn’t?”
“Then why would he ask Angel to deliver the first letter?”
“Because he knows what it’s like to lose people you love.”
“So do you, Buffy.” Willow said. “I mean, maybe that was his intention, but then maybe his intention was for you to find love with Angel again.”
Buffy shook her head. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“What doesn’t?” Dawn asked.
“All of it. Even if Drew wanted me to fall in love with Angel again, I mean…. He knew Angel and I couldn’t. He knew about the curse.”
“You’ll never know unless he comes out and says exactly what everything means.” Willow said.
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“Hey! I just had an idea!” Dawn said, bouncing slightly.
“What?” Willow and Buffy asked.
“Buffy, you should have a big reveal party! You know, for when you get your makeover.”
“What is it with you and parties?” Buffy asked.
“Hey, I’m 24! What else am I supposed to do?”
“Finish college and get a good job?”
“Hey, I have a good job.”
“What professional sister moocher?”
“No! I don’t mooch off you.”
“Yeah. And that’s not my top you’re wearing.” Buffy said, poking her sister in the ribs.
Chapter 9
Drew laid quietly in the bed and listened to the sound of his wife’s breathing. It was a sound he’d loved from the very first moment he’d heard it. It was a sound he wouldn’t hear again once this thing in his brain won the battle. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like not to be here with her. Buffy assures him that heaven is a beautiful place where everything will be ok. But it doesn’t stop him from being scared.
It doesn’t stop him worrying about her.
Slipping quietly out of bed, Drew headed downstairs and got into his desk. He couldn’t leave her alone. He wasn’t ready to call it a day and say goodbye to the love of his life. He had to do something for her. He had to give himself a slight peace of mind that once he was gone, she would be ok.
Drew roamed the apartment for an hour trying to think of something to do for her. He finally stumbled on a box hidden in the corner of the coat closet. There were pictures in there from Buffy’s life in Sunnydale. And there, right on top, was a picture of her as a sixteen year old girl with her vampire boyfriend she loved so much. Drew had to admit he was jealous of the guy. He’d gotten a large chunk of Buffy’s heart that he wasn’t giving back.
That’s when it hit him. He knew what he had to do for her. Rushing back to his desk, he started laying out the plans of his ingenious idea.
***************
Buffy was surrounded by her best friends at Justin Timberlake’s BBQ restaurant, Southern Hospitality, Sunday night. Edie had made reservations for her and all her friends there to debut her new look. Buffy’s hair was shorter, to just below her shoulders, with a lot of layers in it and it had small, dark brown streaks all through it that made her blonde look even blonder. She had a light tan that gave her skin a nice glow. Her makeup was done to absolute perfection and her clothes were the best designer clothes.
“I love it.” Angel said. “It suits you.”
“Really?” Buffy asked, playing with her hair.
“It looks amazing.” Dawn said.
“Apparently the streaks look even better on camera.”
“So, you’ll be mingling with the stars?” Sandra asked. She was Xander’s girlfriend of five months and they seemed pretty serious.
“Apparently.”
“Get Angelina’s number for me.” Xander said. Sandra smacked his stomach. “What?”
“You don’t need Angelina’s number.”
“Then can I at least get her autograph?”
“If I can get Brad Pitt’s.” Sandra and Xander looked at Buffy.
“I’ll do what I can.” Buffy said.
“When’s your first party?” Willow asked.
“Oh, uh…. Thursday night.”
“Are you nervous?” Xander asked.
“A little. I mean, I’m ready I think, but…. It’s kind of a big deal. What if I mess it up?”
“You’ll be fine.” Angel said. “You Summers women can do anything.”
“Hey, how is work going?” Buffy asked Dawn, moving the attention away from her.
“Oh, it’s…. It’s good.” Dawn said.
“Is something wrong?” Willow asked.
“No. It’s just that…. This is Buffy’s night. I don’t want to spoil it.”
“It’s fine.” Buffy said.
“So…. Really?” Buffy nodded. “Ok, well…. My bosses told me that once I graduate, they’re planning to send me to their Paris offices to work full time!”
Buffy’s eyes snapped to her little sister. “What?!”
“Dawn!” Willow squealed. “That’s awesome news!”
“Isn’t it exciting!? They told me on Wednesday!”
“Wednesday? That was two days ago!” Buffy said.
“Oh, I’m sorry Buff.” Dawn hugged her sister. “I’ve just been really busy since graduation is coming up so soon and I really need to get everything together.”
“Where will you stay?” Willow asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. We’re going to talk more about it next week. I need to brush up on my French!”
“Well, I won’t be too far away.”
“What?” Xander asked.
“Well, I didn’t want to bring it up until I knew for sure, but I’m moving to Spain.”
“Spain!?” Buffy cried.
“I’ve been offered the position as high priestess in a very powerful and very prestigious coven in Monaco. I…. I leave in three weeks.”
“Three weeks?”
“Willow!” Dawn squealed, hugging her tightly.
Xander smiled and looked at Sandra. “Well, since this is revelation time, maybe it’d be a good addition to tell you that Sandra and I are expecting.”
“You’re gonna be a daddy!?” Willow cried.
“We found out yesterday.” Sandra said as Xander beamed.
“You two have only been dating five months.” Buffy said.
“I know, but I love her.” Xander said.
“And I love him!” Sandra said.
“Xander!” Dawn jumped up and hugged him tightly.
“Congratulations!” Willow cried, hugging Xander and Sandra tightly.
“We wanted to keep it on the down low until we’d told our families.” Sandra said.
Buffy smiled and murmured her congratulations, hugging Xander and then Sandra slightly. She half listened as Willow and Dawn talked excitedly about everything. The focus completely shifted from Buffy to everyone else. Buffy found herself feeling pissed off at her friends and excused herself from dinner early saying she had an early morning and needed her beauty sleep. Angel tried to come with her, but she waved him away and told him to finish his dinner.
********************
“Hey Buffy, it’s Xander. Listen, I need a woman’s opinion since Willow’s kinda busy. Would you go ring shopping with me? I’m going to propose to Sandra. Call me back.”
“Buffy, are you there? Probably not. You’re probably out rubbing elbows with the rich and famous again. Well, this is Dawn. So, graduation is coming up in a few weeks and I need a dress. Want to come shopping with me and Willow? She’s got to get a few things for Spain and we thought we’d make a weekend of it. Call me back, sis!”
“Hey Buff, did you get Dawn’s message? She hasn’t heard from you since your dinner. Actually, none of us have. I know you’re busy with work and all, but take the time to call us back. Please? Ok, well I’m leaving for Spain in a week and I’d like you to be there to see me off. Ok? Please call someone back.”
“Buffy, this is Angel. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Willow called and she said that you haven’t called anybody in two and a half weeks. I stopped by yesterday, but you weren’t there. Call me back, please. Bye.”
“So, Willow’s leaving tomorrow and I’m graduating in two weeks. Where the hell are you, Buffy?”
“Buff, I know you’re busy with work and this is kinda short notice, but Sandra and I are getting married on New Years Eve and we want you to be a bridesmaid. That’s three months away. Will you please call me back before then?”
“Hey Buffy, my plane laid over in London on the way to Spain and I got to see Giles. He’s doing good. Wanted me to tell you hi. I told him I’d leave you a message since you’re not talking to anyone. I missed you at the airport. I gave Dawn my number in Spain. Please call me. I’d love to talk. Bye.”
“This message is for one Buffy Summers. Please tell her that her friend Xander Harris called, remember him? Well, he’s really going to go through with the wedding this time and he needs her here with him to help him out. She’s done this before and he needs some advice. You know, someone to hold him back if he gets cold feet? It’s been six weeks. Please call him back.”
“Why weren’t you at the graduate’s family dinner? I told you three months ago when it was. I don’t know what you’re problem is Buffy, but it’s really starting to piss your friends and me off. You better be at graduation. I’ll never forgive you if you miss that.”
**************************
Buffy sat in her living room and braided and unbraided a chunk of her hair. She hadn’t talked to any of her friends in almost two months. She didn’t want to. She was angry with them. So, she had buried herself in her ever growing career and used that as an excuse to stay away. Edie was ecstatic with the work she was getting from her new party consultant that she was asking Buffy to go to more parties. She was getting the chance to make friends with people she’d admired in Hollywood for most of her life. It was all completely amazing.
But there was still this big gaping hole in the fabric of her life.
She really missed Drew. Despite her best efforts to move on and despite everything she had said to Cal, she felt like only half a person without Drew. It also made her a little angry that she had allowed herself to go against her own words and fall so hard for another man. She should’ve known. She should’ve stuck with the facts that, no matter what, the men in her life always leave her. Someway, somehow, they always leave.
There was a knock on her door and then the doorbell rang. She sighed and went to peer through the peephole. She was hoping it was another package from Drew, but it was too late for deliveries. It was Angel on the other side of the door. She considered not opening the door, but deep down, she wasn’t mad at him. He wasn’t moving on with his life and leaving her in the dust. He was actually staying with her and grieving with her.
Angel smiled as she opened the door and looked around the hallway. “Don’t worry, I’m alone.” He stepped into her apartment. “Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.” Buffy said, walking back to the living room and resuming her place on the couch.
He touched the bent and wild looking braid in her hair. “Ok.”
“What?”
Angel sat down on the coffee table in front of her. “Dawn’s graduating tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“Are you planning on going?”
“I’ll have to check my schedule.”
“Buffy….”
“I’m a busy woman, Angel.”
“This is your sister’s graduation from college. Doesn’t happen every day.”
“I didn’t plan on getting this promotion. I had to rearrange my life. Why can’t people understand that?”
Angel sighed. “Talk to me.”
“We are talking.”
He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Buffy, you haven’t talked to anyone in two months. You didn’t go see Willow off at the airport. You skipped Dawn’s graduate’s dinner….”
“I was working.”
“That’s no excuse. Your friends’ news bugged you, didn’t it?”
“No. It didn’t. I’m happy for them.” Angel gave her a look. “I am. Really. I’ve just been busy” Angel’s look grew harder and she couldn’t take the intensity in his eyes. “I don’t get….” She sighed. “I don’t get how they can just….” Buffy stood up and walked away to stare into the empty fireplace.
Angel nodded. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“I don’t get how they can just continue with their lives while I’m still stuck in this rut of misery!” She closed her eyes and fought off the tears.
Angel stood up and went over to her. He moved her hair away from her face and waited until she opened her eyes and looked at him. “They weren’t married to Drew. They don’t understand how much it hurts.”
Buffy shook her head and cried harder. “Drew’s gone! He’s gone and he’s never coming back no matter what I do. God…. When dad left and then you left and then Parker and then Riley…. I said…. I said never again. No more men. And then I meet Drew. This wonderful man happens to me and I wasn’t alone anymore. I knew what it was not to feel like I was in the room until he looked at me or touched my hand or even made a stupid joke at my expense…. Just to let everyone know…. I was with him. I was his. And then…. And then…. And then he died! What was the point? God, I'm so angry I could kill somebody! I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I’m always alone in the end! No matter what, I’m always alone.”
Angel shook his head. “You’re not alone, Buffy. You’re not alone.” He brought her to him in a tight hug. “You have me. You will always have me.” Buffy clung to Angel, crying into his shirt as he pulled her to the couch and allowed her to curl up in his lap. “From here on out, I’m not going anywhere. I promise you this. I am not going anywhere ever again. And your friends aren’t going anywhere. They are still your friends and they still love you. I know you’re angry with them. I do. They’re moving on with their lives, but that’s how it goes. If they could stop the world until you were ready for it to go on, they would. I know I would if I could. But that’s just not how it works. The world goes on and we have to go on with it. It’s the hardest lesson to learn and to actually follow through with, but somehow we all manage to in the end. And you’ve got the best friends anyone could ask for to help you manage.”
Angel held her until her tears subsided and then he held her longer until she started to fall asleep in his arms. He picked her up and carried her up to her bedroom. When he started to leave, she wouldn’t let go of his arm so he was forced to climb into bed with her. After a long while, he fell asleep too.
********************
Buffy woke up feeling refreshed. Her alarm was going off next to the bed, but when she went to turn it off, she found that she couldn’t move. Angel’s arm was holding her tightly to his chest. He stirred and Buffy started to wriggle out of his grasp, but he tightened it and pulled her back. She sighed as she felt his heartbeat against her back. It was a wonderful feeling.
“You were planning on going.” Angel said.
Buffy groaned. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”
“The alarm going off three hours before Dawn’s supposed to graduate woke me up. So you were planning on going?”
“Of course I was.”
“You’re a stubborn thing, you know that?”
“Yes. My mom told me that all the time and Giles told me at least twice a day for about three years.”
Angel allowed Buffy to turn in his arms before he said, “Are you ok?”
Buffy sighed. “I feel a little better. Like a small weight’s been lifted off my heart.”
“You just needed a good mental breakdown.”
“Yeah.”
“So, it’s been two months. Have you gotten anything from Drew?”
Buffy’s eyes grew sad. “No.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean….”
“No, it’s ok. The letters were keeping him alive for me and I need to let him go. Last night’s breakdown helped me accept that just a little bit more.”
Angel smiled. “Come on. Get dressed. I’m going to go home and get ready and I’ll come back for you.”
Buffy nodded. “Ok. Good idea.”
Chapter 10
Buffy laid in the bed with Drew and watched him sleep. She was constantly checking for his breathing and listening for his heartbeat. He was so frail looking. The chemo had really done a number on him and he’d lost a lot of weight and muscle mass along with his hair.
“Baby, it’s starting to creep me out.” Drew said quietly, opening his eyes.
“Sorry.” Buffy said.
He smiled. “It’s ok. I understand.”
She nodded slightly, still watching. “Do you need anything?”
Drew smiled. “Seems I’ve woken up with a taste for some ice cream.”
“Oh, I haven’t been shopping.”
“Will you go and get me some?”
“Oh, uh….”
“I’ll be fine, baby. I’m not going anywhere today.”
“But….”
“Cal’s right down the hall and you’ve got your cell phone. I haven’t forgotten the number.”
Buffy sighed. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Ok.” She kissed him gently. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”
“Don’t hurry yourself. I’ll be ok.” As soon as she was gone, he pulled himself up and to the edge of the bed. It took him a long moment, but he finally managed to get to the closet and pull out the shoebox. He pulled out a piece of stationary and sat back down. It took him twenty minutes to write the final letter and another ten to put it back in the closet. He had tears in his eyes when Buffy finally came back.
“Drew….”
“Sorry. I was just thinking about you.”
“And it made you cry?”
“Tears of joy. You make me so happy, Buffy. You’ll never know just how happy.” Buffy started to cry herself and she dropped the ice cream to fold herself in his arms.
*******************
Angel stood outside the auditorium and waited for the graduates to come out into the freezing December weather. Buffy had cried through the entire ceremony and had had to go reapply her makeup. She thought she would’ve made it out before the graduates, but she’d been wrong. When she came out of the bathroom, Dawn had already found Angel, and Willow, Xander, and Sandra had found them. She took a deep breath and walked up to the group.
“Buffy.” Xander said. Willow didn’t say anything and Sandra just smiled at her.
Dawn rounded on her sister. “I didn’t think you were going to show.”
Buffy couldn’t think of anything to say but, “Yeah.”
“God, what is your problem?! No one’s heard from you in two months! Why? Was it because we were finding happiness in our lives and you weren’t the center of attention anymore?”
Buffy nodded. “Yeah.”
“Really?” Dawn started to cry and she hugged her sister tightly. “Oh, I didn’t mean to be such a bitch. I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok. I was the one being a bitch.”
“No. No.” Xander said, suddenly joining the hug. “You were hurting and we were insensitive. We should’ve thought.”
“Yeah, we just kinda expected you to hurt for a few months and then you’d be ok again.” Dawn said. “We shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t have expected that.”
“It’s ok.” Buffy said. “I’ve been really selfish lately.”
“No, you should be selfish, Buffy.” Willow said, joining the group hug. “You lost your husband. That takes a lot to get over.”
“Dawn’s right.” Xander said. “We shouldn’t have expected you to get over that so quickly.”
“I missed you guys.” Buffy said, holding on to her friends and her sister tightly.
“We missed you too.” Willow cried.
“Dawnie, I’m so proud of you.” Buffy hugged her sister. “Mom would be so happy right now.”
“I wish she and Drew could be here.” Dawn said.
“Me too.”
“Guys, we’d like to get some pictures in.” Sandra said.
“Oh, I need to fix my makeup again!”
“I’ll come with. Mine probably looks horrendous!” Dawn said.
Willow laughed. “Make that three.”
“Come on, I’ll take you to the bathroom’s backstage.” Dawn led the way to the bathrooms only the graduates were supposed to use.
*****************
Everyone went back to Buffy’s apartment to talk and take more pictures. When they got there, the entire place was decorated in graduation favors. Cal and Gillian were putting the finishing touches on the dining room table. There were all different kinds of food platters and hors d'oeuvres sitting on the table and in the middle was a cake that said, Congratulations Dawn! I’m so proud of you! Love Drew.
“Did you do this?” Buffy asked Cal.
Cal held out a letter to Buffy.
Bro!
We’ve had some crazy times, huh? I’m already missing you. So, I’ve got a favor to ask of you. It’s a big one, so you might want to sit down.
I need Buffy to know that she’ll be ok without me and that not all the men in her life will leave her. It’s unfortunate that I’m helping her belief in that, but I can’t change what’s happening to me. God knows I would if I could. I hate that I can’t change it and it scares me to know that I’m not going to be there for…. Well, everything!
Anyway, my favor.
I’ve put together some things for my wife and I need you to deliver them for me. There’s one in there that I know you’re not going to understand, but I just need you to do it anyway. For me. And for Buffy. Everything’s enclosed in this package. Receipts for everything I’ve bought. Instructions for what needs to be done. Everything. And please don’t spoil it and tell her about this. I want it all to be a surprise.
Thanks for being the brother I never had. I love you, Cal. You’re my best friend.
Always,
Drew
Buffy looked up at Cal. “It was you!?”
Cal nodded and pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it to her. “It’s the last one. I’ve got the party covered down here. You go read this somewhere quiet.”
“Thank you.” Buffy kissed Cal’s cheek and headed upstairs. She went out onto her balcony and sat in the chair Drew had always occupied. She ran her fingers over the dried ink and in her mind, she could see him writing this. When he was concentrating on his writing, his tongue stuck out the side of his lips, he always had to push his reading glasses up his nose, and all he could see was that piece of paper until he was done. She’d thought it was too adorable.
Slowly, Buffy took the stationary paper out of the envelope and ran her fingers over all the words. This was the last thing Drew would ever give her. This was the last thing she would ever see new of his writing. Finally, she took a deep breath and started reading. It took her a few minutes because she kept getting too teared up to even see to read.
After she’d finished reading, Buffy looked up from her letter with the tears falling down her cheeks to find Angel standing in the doorway to the balcony. Her breath caught at the sight of him.
“Caleb said you’d be up here.” He said quietly. She just nodded in wonderment. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can.”
“What I said last night…. About not being alone. I didn’t always believe that, you know.” Angel sat down in the other chair.
“Really?”
“I used to believe that if we were all alone, then at least we were all together in that.”
“That’s a good thing to believe. Why did you stop believing in it?”
“You walked into my life and everything changed. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.” Buffy smiled slightly. “I’m sorry. I know you’re grieving Drew and I shouldn’t be saying these things.”
“It’s ok, Angel.” She handed the letter over to him.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Angel took a deep breath and read aloud.
“My dearest Buffy,
I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream for us and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you.
It isn't to go down memory lane or make you build a new closet out of one of the guest bedrooms. You can take care of yourself without any help from me.
It's to tell you how much you move me. How you changed me. In the short time we knew each other, you made me a man by loving me Buffy. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally.
If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes.
Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I? You made my life, Buffy. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise.
So here it comes: The Big One.
Don't be afraid to find great love again. It’s always been right in front of you.
You just have to look up.
Forever yours,
Drew Turner
And by the way, I will always love you.”
Angel took another deep breath and looked up at Buffy. She was watching him intently, waiting for his reaction. “It’s not a coincidence that you were the one standing there when I looked up, is it?” She asked finally, taking his hands in hers.
“Buffy, if this isn’t what you want….”
“Angel, you should know by now that I don’t know what I want half the time. What about you?”
“I know what I want…. Because I'm holding it in my hands right now. I know it’s cliché, but you’re all I’ve ever wanted. I meant what I said last night. I’m not going anywhere.”
Buffy nodded. “Can we just stay the way we’ve been going…. Just for right now, I mean?”
“I’m not going to push you into anything you’re not ready for.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve waited years for you, Buffy. Another two or three isn’t going to make much of a difference. Especially if you’re here and I can hold you.” Buffy smiled gratefully before a sad look came over her face. “What’s wrong?”
Buffy sighed. “It's been a year.” She looked around at the neighborhood she and Drew had called home. She felt the memories come over her of everything they’d shared together. She felt the love of a man she’d loved with all her heart and soul. She felt all the happiness and the sorrow and the grief of one lifetime. But there was one thing missing from everything. “I don't feel him anymore. I used to feel him near me, especially when I was holding one of his letters. But he's gone now. He's really gone.”
“Are you ok with that?”
“I don’t know.” Buffy looked back at Angel. “I guess we’ll find out.”
Epilogue
Buffy sat next to her dead husband’s grave and listened to the sounds of the night around her. It had been four years since he’d passed away and left her in a state of misery she’d never known before. But he’d found a way to help her through. He’d found a way to give her the life they’d been denied.
She clutched the letter she’d written to him in her hand and read through it one more time before putting it on his headstone along with the black magic roses she put there every year on his birthday and on their anniversary.
My dearest Drew,
Thank you for the honor of being my husband. You brought a light into my so dark world when I needed it the most…. Twice. Even though we only had six short years together, you showed me a lifetime of love that I never thought was possible for me.
You said you wanted me to find great love again and all I had to do was look up. You were right. I looked up and Angel was there…. Because of you. We’re still going strong with plans for a wedding in two years and kids after that in a big house on Staten Island.
Some people look down on my decision to start a relationship with Angel again after you had only been gone a year, but you were right. This is my one and only life. It’s a great and terrible and short and endless thing and none of us come out of it alive. So, I won’t apologize for finding love again. Why? Because you told me it was ok. I’m doing what you asked of me and looking at myself through your eyes. I’m being brave. I’m being sure of myself. And I’m trying not to lose faith in anything.
Thank you Drew. You were my best friend, you were my husband, you were my confidant, you were my shoulder to cry on, you were my rock to lean on, you were my lover….
You were my world.
Forever in your debt,
Buffy Turner
And by the way…. Guess what?